The Blitzburgh Steelheads are coming off a winning season (barely). Veteran coach Spike Gremlin has made the defensive line one of the deadliest in the league. B.B. Rott and Slameron Slayward leave opposing teams fractured and Quarterbacks ten yards underground. However, with the offensive line losing momentum over the last few years, and with future Hall of Maim QB Sven Rottenburger retired, it will be up to QB Mitch Legitsky to step up to the challenge or collapse like a house of cards. Guess what happened in the windy city? Best to let RB Nastee Scarris pound the ball up the middle.

Overall - 72:
• Offense - 72;
  
• Defense - 75;
  
• Special teams - 70.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense


The Galaxy Chaos, an all-alien team, play on a floating meteorite in outer space. They are led by All-Star QB Xeno-Hunter, who could kickstart any drive with his big plays. Their offense is truly out of this world, so a defender's first contact might be... never. WR Apex Predator is Xeno-Hunter's favorite target, and the two of them have colonized every endzone in the universe. Teams better employ Ellen Ripley on defense because that's the only way they're stopping these aliens. The Chaos' defense is faster than the speed of light, but they lack heavy hitters.

Overall - 78:
• Offense - 86;
  
• Defense - 73;
  
• Special teams - 73.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense


The Insane Cults were able to squeak out a winning season last year but were one Scarsome Wince disaster away from making the playoffs. RB sensation Gnarlathon Slayer plans to win more than fantasy football championships this season. He is one of the most dominant backs in the league and is led by an offensive line that cripples the defense like polio at an anti-vaxxers rally. Inside the red zone, the only place you'll find this team is in the endzone. If they can get their receivers up to par and Ratty Ice can squeeze out one more year, they will have what they need to make a playoff run.

Overall - 71:
• Offense - 74;
  
• Defense - 71;
  
• Special teams - 67.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense


Historically, the Leaveland Burns have crashed and, well, burned. But they have been making a comeback due to a strong offensive line and running backs that leave others in the dust. The Burns have a new quarterback in Despawn Rotson, so expect some bumpy patches, but everyone seems to have confidence that Rotson can massage out the kinks. The defense is fierce, and blitzers Vile Scarrett and Invadeon Frowney are always ready to deliver some pain. Leaveland is set up for a championship run this season - of course, that's what we said last year… and the year before that.

Overall - 75:
• Offense - 78;
  
• Defense - 76;
  
• Special teams - 72.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense


After Invaders Coach Chucky Gruesome retired because he got caught writing emails about how 'Monster Orcs are the real problem with our society', the Invaders brought in Sloshed McScandles as the new Head Coach. Then, surprising the entire league, they signed feared Blitzer Rambler Groans and traded for one of the most elite players in the MFL, WR Dante Adscams, who teams up with his former college teammate, QB Barbaric Scar. Lost Wages is starting this season with a fresh new hand, but will they take some risks and go for the Royal Flush, or will the team bust out after just one hit?

Overall - 71:
• Offense - 74;
  
• Defense - 68;
  
• Special teams - 72.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Two things held the Mile High Chronic back last season: their lack of a quarterback, and the fact they smoke an ounce of OG Pumpernickel a day. Well, they acquired future Hall of Maim QB Hustle Killsome from the Mutilators, and they're adding another ounce of the OG to their daily allotment. Add to that a pounding run game led by Javonte Killiams, a blazing trio of receivers, and a top 10 defense that strikes fear in the opposition with one of the best secondaries in the league… the sky isn't even a limit to how high this team can get -- I mean climb.

Overall - 72:
• Offense - 73;
  
• Defense - 73;
  
• Special teams - 70.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense



Legendary Coach Swill Upchuck has something to prove: that he can win without Bomb Shady. He's put a lot of faith in his new QB Smack Bones and given him some towers of power at Tight End, but the offense lacks explosiveness at the receiver position (and Smack Bones is no Bomb Shady.) The question remains if he'll put any faith in his assistant coaches or just call the whole game himself. The Hatriots defense is as formidable as ever with Safety Devil McThwarty guarding the endzone. No one would be surprised if this team makes a playoff run, but few expect a deep run.

Overall - 73:
• Offense - 75;
  
• Defense - 69;
  
• Special teams - 74.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense
[/i]


The Orcs of Hazzard may be a little slow, but they make up for that with their stupidity. The Hazzard is a malicious team made up entirely of orcs, with the exception being their legendary All-Star RB Iron Jaw Magilicutti. Iron Jaw was abandoned in the Bayou, where the orcs raised him as their own (he thinks he’s an orc). The Hazzard have no passing game to speak of unless it’s Iron Jaw throwing or catching. This is a bruising all-run team with a dominating defense that pulverizes opposing teams with relentless hitting.

Overall - 74:
• Offense - 71;
  
• Defense - 83;
  
• Special teams - 69.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense



The Terminators are an all robot team, made up of heavy armored BruiserBots and high performance BulletBots. This is a quick strike passing offense led by QB sharpshooter, Tashiro Maguro, receiving ace, Otomo Akira and a big, bruising back, Akinori SumoNinja (yep, he’s slow, but he goes down slow too). They don’t have much of a defense, but in all honesty, they put up enough points that they don’t need one.

Overall - 62:
• Offense - 78;
  
• Defense - 59;
  
• Special teams - 50.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

With so many injuries last season, you would think the Baltimore Razors had stocks in the health insurance industry. But they are not shying away from the fight after solidifying their defense in this year's draft. Their wide receivers may have gotten slapped around last year like a comedian at the Oscars, but their offense is stronger than ever with superstar QB Lamaul Jackhammer back at the helm. If there is one thing this team knows how to do, it's run. Hopefully it's more than just their mouths, and they can run their way to the MFL Championship.

Overall - 72:
• Offense - 76;
  
• Defense - 67;
  
• Special teams - 72.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

The Vultures are coming off a losing season, but that was Barfer Myth's first year. He's got to know what he's doing now. Unfortunately, he'll have to do it without Ratty Ice at QB who was traded for a third-round pick and a case of HotGirl-fil-A sauce. The Vultures defense is powered by their Cornerbacks A.J. Terror and Spacey Haywire Jr. who keep the opposing team's receivers from getting the ball like the Supreme Court keeps people from getting rights. The addition of rookie Snake Dungeon at WR should help make the Vultures a team that fights for more than scraps from a dead carcass.

Overall - 70:
• Offense - 73;
  
• Defense - 64;
  
• Special teams - 74.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Grim Bay had a great season last year, despite All-Star QB Airborne Dodgers testing positive for "Dumb Ass." In fact, their season was TOO good for the Dodgers' best receiver Dante Adscams, who left for grimmer pastures. The Attackers' defense looks strong as ever with rookies Slay Stalker and Demonte Riott added to the already-deadly starting lineup. But even with the Dodgers' talents, the receivers leave much to be desired, so it will be up to an excellent rushing attack, a great defense, and of course the four-time MVP to save the day. It's Mayhem Bowl-or-bust this season for the Attackers.

Overall - 77:
• Offense - 79;
  
• Defense - 78;
  
• Special teams - 74.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

The Killadelphia Evils had a defense as strong as a line of c#%kblockers at a bachelorette party, but in the wild card game, Bomb Shady brought the shots, and their defenses dropped faster than a single 26-year old's self-esteem after a family reunion. In the offseason, they signed deep threat WR A.J. Growl to add some fire power to their offense, and QB Wailen Hurtz shows more and more growth potential each year. If they can keep their momentum from the last season through the post-season, then their chance to win the Mayhem Bowl might be as strong as a funky Limberger cheesesteak smells.

Overall - 79:
• Offense - 82;
  
• Defense - 77;
  
• Special teams - 77.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

If you're going to lose, you want to go down fighting in a blaze of glory. You don't want your season to fizzle and die because you don't know how to read a clock. Unfortunately, that's how last season ended for the Hellboys. This season’s defense should be outstanding, led by phenom LB Striker Arsines. On offense, deep ball sniper QB Drak Bloodclot is set to strike down defenses with furious anger and precision passing. As long as Spike McLooney gets himself a Casio that works, this could be the year fans finally get to hold up the Mayhem Bowl trophy and yell, "How 'BOUT them Hellboys!!!"

Overall - 76:
• Offense - 80;
  
• Defense - 75;
  
• Special teams - 74.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Despite their name, the Microhard Mutilators haven't been doing much mutilating as of late. No one from that Mayhem Bowl-winning season is around anymore. Perennial All-Star legends QB Hustle Killsome and LB Slobby Banger are heading to greener pastures. Looks like WR D.K. Deadcalf is the face of the franchise for now, and there is a war brewing for the starting quarterback position between Geno Cide and Drew Shock. It wouldn't be wrong to say the team is finding its new identity, and with this new makeover, maybe the Mutilators can get back to mutilating.

Overall - 65:
• Offense - 69;
  
• Defense - 63;
  
• Special teams - 64.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Few teams have a more storied history than the Mutants. Hell, they even had a famous Saturday Night Unalive sketch. Da Mutants! But it’s the future that has disgruntled Chi-Town fans worried. Ownership fired their old coach, Gnat, and GM, Lyin, and hired a new coach, Gnat, and GM Lyin. Do you get the picture here? The Mutants have QB Lustin Kills, who flashed big talent last season trying to stay alive from a porous offensive line and has a receiving corps that is amongst the worst in the league. The only hope is their defense which is the heart and soul of this team. Da Defense!

Overall - 66:
• Offense - 66;
  
• Defense - 65;
  
• Special teams - 67.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

If there's anything more reliable than Motor City continuing to be a fury road wasteland, it's the Maniac’s fans’ misplaced hope and this team’s heart, which coach Dam Scandal rips out and eats after every loss. Last season was brutal; they were winless through 11 games but kept on fighting. The rebuilding plan is in progress and coming along nicely. They scored Blitzer Raidan Bludgeonson with the second pick in the draft. There is still a question at Quarterback and the answer is probably not, Jarhead Goth. Grab a Coney Dog and enjoy the ride, because there is hope in the Motor City.

Overall - 67:
• Offense - 74;
  
• Defense - 64;
  
• Special teams - 64.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Yuck is not the only thing new for the Tyrants. New Head Coach Brain Drainbowl is here to take the disappointing 4 wins of the last season and plant them like magic beans, hoping some of that magic rubs off on QB Maniel Clones. The offense is led by RB Breakone Sparkley who can not only run around defenses, but run through them with raw speed and power. On defense, the Tyrants have a stout D-line with a suspect secondary. If these guys can get it together, we might just see a phoenix rising from the ashes of last season. If not, well... these ashes might just catch on fire again.

Overall - 69:
• Offense - 67;
  
• Defense - 65;
  
• Special teams - 75.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense


No one will ever forget the year the Panzers kept pounding every team they met, all the way to the Mayhem Bowl. Their performance has declined since then, but it's not impossible for them to reach those dizzying heights again. Will it happen this year? Only if RB Piston McCaffeinated can stay healthy and new QB Baker Minefield stops doing so many commercials and learns what it means to be a Panzer. With no other notable roster or management changes aside from acquiring Minefield, the Panzers are hoping Minefield is the change they need to make a difference.

Overall - 64:
• Offense - 66;
  
• Defense - 64;
  
• Special teams - 62.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

The Mayhem is a supernatural team made up of undead and soon-to-be-dead rock stars. Every game is treated like it is their farewell concert, and they smash opponents like guitars. On offense, don't try to cover them or else you'll be paying out your butt in royalties. The Mayhem's defense is so precise that you'd think their coordinator was using autotune software. The team is extremely popular, so naturally, they have millions of groupies. For an encore, the Mayhem will perform the best song ever, Stairway to Hell, just before they send you there.

Overall - 95:
• Offense - 96;
  
• Defense - 96;
  
• Special teams - 92.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Things are looking up for the Cracksumskull Jugulars, mostly because they finished last in the entire MFL. After learning their coach's abilities were more of an urban lie than an urban legend, they brought on new head coach Thug Beaterson to turn it all around. QB Clever Gorence was always good at avoiding the sack, and after last year, he's become an expert. Keep an eye on this tenacious winner who could not have been set up to fail more in his rookie year. The great part about being buried in the center of the earth is that any way you look at it, it's only up from there.

Overall - 68:
• Offense - 66;
  
• Defense - 71;
  
• Special teams - 69.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Last season, the Kansas City lost the conference championship game and the right to go to the Mayhem Bowl in a heartbreaking overtime loss. In the offseason, they lost deep threat, Tyfreak Thrill. The Creeps are tired of losing and are looking to decapitate their opposition. The offense still runs through Ravage Belche, and it’s still led by one of the best QBs in the league, Hatrick MyHomies who, just like Karen at Target, has the amazing ability to make a big deal out of nothing. There are concerns on the defensive side, but there's nothing that this amazing offense can’t overcome.

Overall - 80:
• Offense - 83;
  
• Defense - 77;
  
• Special teams - 79.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Fans of the New Goreleans Zombies will have an exciting year ahead of them. The team is looking to come back from the dead, as their longtime coach Pawn O. Satan announced that he was heading back into his permanent mausoleum. But new coach Menace Talon has a killer team to work with -- literally. The team's defense is one of the top-ranked in the league, led by QB assassin Blitzer Slameron Gored'Em. Their rock-solid offense is headlined by RB Alvin Killmora and QB Jammin Winsome. The only question that their opponents need to ask themselves is, "are your affairs in order?"

Overall - 71:
• Offense - 73;
  
• Defense - 74;
  
• Special teams - 67.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Hexxon, we have a problem… again. All-Star QB Despawn Rotsom was sent packing in disgrace to Leaveland without a happy ending. New (past his prime) head coach Lovie Bliss is in command of the rebuild with a current roster more disappointing than the new Space Jam. A glimmer of hope rests on the arm of QB Heinous Kills, who flashed some brightness with some surprisingly good play as a rookie. WR Branded Crooks can burn most defensive backs in the league like paper in a toaster. Could a miracle happen this season? Sure, but you have better odds of winning the Mega-Mutant Lottery.

Overall - 63:
• Offense - 67;
  
• Defense - 60;
  
• Special teams - 62.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

The Purple Mutant Eaters is one of the better teams in the MFL, but that wasn't enough for management. The old GM and head coach were eaten by the team themselves and replaced by new GM Pesky Adult-Menace and Head Coach Kevin O'Kafka. With minor roster changes, it's clear the Purple Mutant Eaters are still hungry and ready to fight for their meal. With new management, one of the best offenses in the league, and a hard-hitting defense that eats QBs for lunch, the Purple Mutant Eaters are primed to make a playoff run.

Overall - 75:
• Offense - 78;
  
• Defense - 73;
  
• Special teams - 72.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Los Scandalous won the Mayhem Bowl! But, staying true to their name, it was Damned close, pulling it out at the last minute just like they teach you in Junior High sex ed. It was a hard-fought season, but Blitzer Charon Braunald kept the defense deadly, and he's back and nastier than ever. Look for QB Ratspew Splattered to get better this year since a lot of last season was spent cleaning the Motor City crud off of himself. The defending Mayhem Bowl Champions have all the talent they need on both offense and defense to damn their opposition back to hell and win another title.

Overall - 79:
• Offense - 83;
  
• Defense - 81;
  
• Special teams - 74.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Fresh off an offseason spending spree, the Volts are one of the most well-rounded teams in the MFL. If Killie Smack can get his feet under him and off the operating table, the Volts will have added one of the best Blitzers in the league, and nobody gets past Swirvin Maimes in the secondary. QB Bustin Headsplurt, or as his female fans call him, “Juicy Sherbert”, keeps proving he's among the best from his stacked draft class. If the Volts can add some depth at WR, Sherbert might be able to dish out 31 flavors of pain to the rest of the league. This team is hungry for a Mayhem Bowl championship.

Overall - 75:
• Offense - 81;
  
• Defense - 76;
  
• Special teams - 69.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

New team name? Check. Unfortunately, the name sucks. New Quarterback? Check. But he was kicked off the last two teams he played for. Strong defensive front? Check. It’s loaded with talents like Jonathan Stallion and Ace Stung, but their secondary can’t cover a bed. For every plus, there is a negative with this team. All hope of making the playoffs rests on the arm of QB Scarsome Wince. If Wince can return to his MVP level play of yore, and the team can stay healthy, they will make opposing teams wet their pants. Of course, asking this team to stay healthy is like asking a cadaver to be undead.

Overall - 78:
• Offense - 76;
  
• Defense - 78;
  
• Special teams - 80.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

Were it not for you meddling Los Scandalous Damned, the Forty Nightmares might have won it all last year! After getting a whiff of the Mayhem Bowl two of the last three years, there's no doubt that this team is hungry and willing to climb to the top again. The big question is whether Sophomore QB Slay Trance can step into the shoes of Grimmy Scrappolo and take his spot. The defense is elite with Blitzer Sick Mimosa and Line Basher Dead Coroner dominating offenses throughout the league. The Forty Nightmares are working on something truly special, but will we see those results this season?

Overall - 77:
• Offense - 82;
  
• Defense - 78;
  
• Special teams - 72.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense
Defense

The Mutanteers had a whirlwind of an off-season after losing on the final play of the divisional round of the playoffs. Their star player, Bomb Shady, announced his retirement, only to take it back a few days later. We still don't know if TE Throb Bronkowski will return or if he's pretending to be retired so he can skip training camp and the first half of the season. Then there's a new head coach, Radd Growls, who can hopefully keep the Mutanteers in tip-top shape and take them to the Mayhem Bowl. Will Bomb Shady see his 8th Mayhem Bowl win, or will they lose, and Shady retires for good?

Overall - 78:
• Offense - 80;
  
• Defense - 80;
  
• Special teams - 75.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense

Despite winning their division last year, the Gnashville Lycans lost in the first round of the playoffs. However, with a healthy Derrick Frenzy running the ball this season, they're looking at a serious championship run. Devlin Wired is one of the MFL's best safeties, having taken more balls from opposing teams than a neutering vet. Losing All-Star WR A.J. Growl in the offseason hurt, but if QB Dyan Rammakill can connect with rookie WR Wailon Burns, they should be able to take enough pressure off of Derrick Frenzy, so he can carry the Lycans to both guts and glory.

Overall - 74:
• Offense - 75;
  
• Defense - 73;
  
• Special teams - 72.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense

The Mayhem Bowl and Snuffalo Thrills in this season just might go together like Viagra Falls and rejected wedding proposals. With arguably the best defense and offense in the league and the consistent, outstanding, ballbusting play from star QB Mosh Slammen, this team is on a mission! And that mission consists of snuffing out every opponent who stands in their way to a Mayhem Bowl Championship. Everyone is in it to win it. Management kept last season's core roster intact and signed Quarterback destroyer LB Von Killer to ensure the job gets done.

Overall - 80:
• Offense - 82;
  
• Defense - 79;
  
• Special teams - 80.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense

New team name? Check. Unfortunately, the name sucks. New Quarterback? Check. But he was kicked off the last two teams he played for. Strong defensive front? Check. It’s loaded with talents like Jonathan Stallion and Ace Stung, but their secondary can’t cover a bed. For every plus, there is a negative with this team. All hope of making the playoffs rests on the arm of QB Scarsome Wince. If Wince can return to his MVP level play of yore, and the team can stay healthy, they will make opposing teams wet their pants. Of course, asking this team to stay healthy is like asking a cadaver to be undead.

Overall - 64:
• Offense - 71;
  
• Defense - 62;
  
• Special teams - 60.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense

The Diami Krakens had solid speed last year, but they've added WR phenom Tyfreak Thrill and paired him with Whaling Throttle, and now they have speed that kills. With a revamped offensive line and a stable of strong workhorse running backs, the success of this team rests on the shoulders of QB Chewa Ravioli. Will he make a big leap this season, or will he fold like the government taking on the NRA? If the defense can keep up their strong performance from last year and the offense can put it all together, they might be able to change their losing ways into a Mayhem Bowl championship.

Overall - 77:
• Offense - 80;
  
• Defense - 74;
  
• Special teams - 75.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense

The New Yuck Threats haven't been much of a threat, but moreso a pinky swear to not be abysmal. The Threats have done a great job of building around QB Stack Killson and infusing talent on both sides of the ball. With three number one draft picks in this year’s draft, they added speed and sure hands with WR Garish Killsome, and they shored up the defense with some nastiness on the D-Line. The secondary will cover like a blanket and sting like a bee with the additions of D.J. Bleed Jr. and Saucy Charredner. This is a hungry young team that is ready to take off.

Overall - 65:
• Offense - 67;
  
• Defense - 63;
  
• Special teams - 63.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense

Last season was bittersweet for Sinsonasty Mangles fans. No one expected them to make it to the Mayhem Bowl but after not having made even the playoffs in over a decade, the Mangles really wanted to win. Unfortunately, the Damned damned them to a loss. The 2022 season's roster and management decisions are the true embodiment of 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'. Just about everyone is staying, which makes sense given everyone wants to see if QB phenom Bro Shiesty can continue wielding magic on the field and bring them back to the promised land.

Overall - 76:
• Offense - 80;
  
• Defense - 70;
  
• Special teams - 79.

Dirty Tricks:
Offense

Defense