However just to preface before we get into the guide (because some people don't seem to realise that this is meant to be a joke), this guide nor the author endorses any of the war crimes, bad hot takes, starvation, anything related to Communism.

To start off with, the filthy capitalist scum of Tsar Nikolas II (If Tzar Nikolas is not in power, something has either gone incredibly well or incredibly wrong), are holding our capital. Your mission in this chapter is to start the flames of revolution in the country and prepare for the seizing.

To begin with, you may want to deal with the Ottomans you start at war with in the south-east, and use this chance to take Crimea. You don't HAVE to do it now but it may prevent future headaches. Afterwards you can sue for peace until later when you have the Red Army on your side. Patience is key, comrade. If you do decide to fight the Ottomans, try to secure some of their Balkan territories which will give you the beachhead for the second, much cooler, invasion. Equally, for historical accuracy purposes, you could try and larp as the actual Whites and mismanage the war, causing horrific casualties that will never, EVER be seen again (foreshadowing is a literary and narrative devi-).

After peacing-out the Ottomans, you should press on with starting the revolution. The revolution mechanic in Empire is explained incredibly well by another guide, but to break it down simply you can get two types of revolt: civil wars and revolutions. Civil Wars are when the upper class of your capital rebel which changes it into a constitutional monarchy. A glorious red revolution requires the lower classes to revolt in order to usher in a great Soviet Communal Republic of True Democracy (patent pending). As a result, in order to fund your grievous losses of virtual men, you gotta hike those taxes up! You will likely also want to exempt all other regions bar your capital from tax. Only a revolt in Muscovy will lead to a revolution, all others will be a regular rebellion, or worse: one that "frees" a nation and gives them, self-determination.

Excuse me as I get a little sick over here

While you're taxing the poor, you may want to build some line infantry in Muscovy and station it outside the capital, this will mean you may have a chance for them to see the error of their ways and flip to the side of the revolution, granting you some extra units with real firepower when it all kicks off. Do not station ANYTHING in the capital if you want this to go smoothly as any units in the capital automatically side with the current government, so leave that full stack outside the walls.

With everything in place, let the people seize the means of production! For the Motherland!!

The revolution is now in full swing and the people are flocking to your brave Red Army, the Mensheviks are on the run and the literal rainbow of other movements (name a colour, you're damn right there's a Russian Army)!!! This section talks about storming the capital (no not the one your uncle took part in), executing the Tsar and forming the new Red Army!

So the revolution has begun, you may want to save the turn before, as sometimes if you try the army strategy mentioned, they will still remain loyal to the government and make it a much harder fight. You can try and save scum it or just march on through, either way you start off with a small-moderately sized army so it is not too big of a deal. Assault the capital, which will hopefully only be populated with armed loyalist militias if you followed everything. Those militia break EXTREMELY easily (They're literally mobs of peasants with flintlocks, what do you expect?). Once their bodies lie slain on the ground, giving the red square it's name, you have successfully completed the revolution and Russia has been liberated!

Note: If you proceed with the revolution, Russia turns into a republic and has the modern day Russian flag, if this annoys you too much try installing a mod to change the flag to the good old hammer and sickle. Any info on a mod-page for this would be greatly appreciated.

If you paid attention to your army roster, you may have seen these guys crop up in your army:

Yes, you will now have access to Conscripts (You see where I'm going with this :) ). These hardened slavs will be the new backbone of your military.
They are cheap to build, meaning you can build more of these in a turn than line infantry, they are militia and so get a bonus to public order on account of their hidden, but not often acknowledged settlement repression buff, they also have lower upkeep, meaning that they put less strain on your economy. Setting up an economy as Russia can be a little bit difficult due to it only really having trade access through the Baltic and Black seas through it's two main enemies at game start, meaning having the ability to make your armies cheaper to upkeep can make your life a little easier in the early game. Also, the fact they are conscripts and you are larping as the Soviets should be enough. But the Trotskyites among you may ask, why not use line infantry Supreme Dictator Stalin? They're better in a fight than militia and have better overall stats and so on. Well as you see here in this handy dandy picture showing the stats of all European line infantry...

























Yeah, our line infantry isn't much better. It has the morale of a militia unit, similar accuracy to conscripts, and the worst reloading speed out of any line infantry. In a pound for pound fight, your line infantry will lose 10 times out of 10 if you don't give them proper support. Their melee combat buffs are nice, but in a time period centred around ranged combat, it can be situational at best when once you reach the enemy, you may already be outnumbered.

When it comes down to the stats, line infantry may have the better stats overall by 1 or two points, but conscripts are cheaper, have less overhead costs, and are generally much more cost-effective, meaning you can build more armies of conscripts than you can with line infantry to even up the playing field. I would suggest you start to build as many of these guys as you can while simultaneously buffing your economy with tech to maximise gold production. If you can, try and trade with the Mediterranean through your Crimean port, or with Middle Eastern trade partners. Having a trading region to yourself can help you raking in thousands once you have people to sell those goods to.

Once you have finished building up a sizeable army it is time to...

Our Balkan brothers are currently being oppressed by many enemies, including the Ottoman Empire and Austria. The Ottoman Empire are pretty much a cake-walk for our Red Army, with communist steel being vastly superior to the Ottoman's inferior troops, tech and general lack of redness despite the flag (instead adopting green, strangely). With numbers not even on their side, their usual potential advantage due to the sheer quantity of militia, their days are essentially numbered. If you can beat them at the beginning of the game, when they're realistically at their strongest before Nizam-Cedit reforms hit, you'll have little trouble at this point.

If you want to, you can just destroy them entirely and secure some territories with high profit potential (A port into the gulf sea will also allow trade with Maratha, who will usually remain friendly, leading to a fairly secure trade route). While you also look at a county-wide version of Homes Under the Hammer (Americans read: any property show), by this point you should be unlocking more education centres to research your techs. Conscripts do not gain the benefits, as militia units, of firing drills and formations, leading to infantry military tech beyond replenishment, cost reduction and anything that provides global buffs mostly useless unless you swap to more regular line infantry by mid-late game. Instead, focus your research technology into your economy tree, especially in regards to farming as that's Russia's main economy source for most of the game. Dabbling in naval tech to secure your seas can be a good idea if you want to diversify your income streams.

I would personally advise against annexation now due to how many new fronts it opens up. If you do decide to march down, then you can expect to fight wars with the Caucuses, Persia, deal with the Barbary States, Venice and all their allies, which can lead to a massive furrball that can put a drain on your finances. Instead, forcing the Ottomans to accept trade rights and perhaps even become a "completely independent and free-thinking communist state" (read: vassal).

Ahead of you is a much harder fight: Austria, holding future Yugoslav territories of Serbia, Croatia, and even Hungarian and Romanian clay. Their infantry is better than ours by a country mile, despite being average in the overall balance of the game (this will become a running trend for any Russia game). Their main strength in infantry is, also, numbers, being the only line infantry to have 200 men per unit rather than a regular 160. This is deceptively massive as 40 more men firing per volley outputs a stupendous amount more firepower, especially the later you leave this and the more chances they have to develop firing doctrines like fire by rank. The way we're going to have to do this is pairing up 2 conscripts per line infantry, as we can then have the numerical firepower advantage and blow them out of the water. As the saying goes, quantity has a quality all of it's own.

Austrian line infantry are pretty much worse statistically than average baseline apart from the unit size which makes them dangerous, so as soon as you gain the numbers advantage the Austrian military becomes actively weaker than your own. As soon as their lines break, destroy them entirely. If you can roll over and defeat in detail their main armies, future combat will become much easier, it's all about cresting that hill.

We do not need their input on the world stage anymore, so this one is free game for full annexation, which will be likely as once they sense blood in the water, the Prussians will march into western Austria to crush them from two sides.

Speaking of which:

By this stage, those Germans in Brandenburg will most likely have taken over rightful Russian territory in Eastern Poland (read Western Russia), its time to take it back! While you have been fighting the weaker countries in the Balkans, they have likely been building up a sizeable military and navy (This will especially be a pain seeing as they will most likely raid your Baltic trade routes that will hinder your economy to differing extents depending on how much your economy relies on trade). They will most likely have control of some Austrian territories as well if the AI senses the Austrian's imminent collapse, leading to a solid wall of blue that we'll need to push past.

Their line infantry are the best in the game, hands down. Extra morale, extra charge, and reloading capabilities (see earlier line infantry diagram). While on paper it might not seem much of a difference, in comparison to other faction buffs, but an extra salvo or two from their units in the same time-frame as the conscript line might mean the difference between whether a conscript will break or not. It can be very easy for a Prussian gun line to tear through an army of conscripts, putting a major spanner in the works during open conflicts, and throws away any idea of favourable exchanges in a pound-for-pound line battle. You may need to shore up your armies with additional battalions in order to counter this and maintain the firepower advantage.

With new territories in the Balkans and Austria this won't be much hassle and means its time for...

*Battlefield somewhere during the war*

Prussian Soldier 1: Hey, what's that over there?
Prussian Soldier 2: Where?
P1: Coming over the hill
P2: Dear God!
P1: It's... IT'S

THE HUMAN WAVE OFFENSIVE.

By now you probably have enough of an economy to spam full 20 unit stacks of conscripts, with the occasional unit of cavalry for support (I honestly tend to use dragoons cause I think they're neat) and artillery support. Well its time to step it up a notch.

Switch all of your recruitment to conscripts. I mean ALL of it. Form as many armies as you can without going into the red (the irony) and form them into battle groups, and stack them together. Hopefully, you're able to field quite a few full stacks together.

Now this is where the fun begins. Due to the reinforcement mechanics in E:TW, you are only able to field 3 armies as reinforcements, regardless of size, and they always enter the battle relatively close to your lines (correct me if I'm wrong). This means that any unit of conscripts that routs from the field can just immediately be replaced with a new one who enters the field. Then noticing that each of these 3 armies each contain 20 of these units and you'll recognise: that's a lot of men.

You can see that the Germans will have their guns jam before you fully rout from the field, not to mention the fact you can send your men in with wanton abandon while Prussia will be dealing with the costs of the most expensive line infantry in the game. From the point you're able to destroy the first Prussian armies on-wards, the Germans should be alright to deal with as you overwhelm them with the sheer amount of bodies.

Pushing into Eastern Germany and taking Brandenburg should be enough to be able to sue for peace. I would recommend doing so as the projected casualties for this war are expected to be *types into calculator* high with, you know, all the shooting, stabbing, the screaming and such. Might take a few campaigns but once you've succeeded in your first one and have chance to refill and recoup your armies the Prussian Eagle will be replace by the Bavarian Commune and our most difficult enemy shall be defeated!

Finland, the pain in the Soviet Union's side. Their stubborn tendencies mean that they continuously resist being a part of the motherland and our genocidal syst-, reeducation cam- worker friendship training zones. With Germany out of the way, we can change this...

At the beginning of the game, the Finns have sought the protection of the Swedes, who also control our territory in St. Petersburg. As a result of our previous campaigns, we outnumber the Swedes with our veteran and superior penal battalion conscripts, and surround them on all sides. Retaking these territories should be quite simple with Sweden being fairly average and as such no match for veteran armies.

With that we will have finally secure all the Soviet Union's claims in the game. Well done comrade, you truly are the Hero of the Soviet Union!

This is the part of the guide where I am supposed to make closing remarks. However, there are not many to make. The whole world is basically now at your fingertips. Your Soviet Hordes will overwhelm most nations you come across now and you have free reign to march into India through Persia or to destroy the rest of the Ottomans and secure Africa. Hell, you might want to perform a reverse Operation Unthinkable and destroy the remaining European Powers. Or destroy capitalist pig-dog America in its infancy before it can act as a challenge to our might. Maybe even bring communism to central and southern America a few years early! Really, you can do whatever you want, but most important is that you have fun doing it!

I hope you have enjoyed reading through this guide, and good luck comrade!

Edit: As of 29/5/23 This guide has gotten around 12K views, 4 stars and is on the front page of the Empire: Total War guide page. I originally wrote this guide as a meme but it has somehow evolved into something grander than some insane joke (It is now a regular joke). I am so incredibly thankful for those of you who have favourited this guide and to those who have gotten this to 4 stars. Cheers, and any suggested additions to the guide and overall strategy I will add.

Fun tip: To get a REAL Soviet feel, dispose of your best military officers once every 4 turns and exterminate your most experienced units once every 6 turns. If a member of your petit bourgeois political council has a competency rating above 4 stars, eliminate them. Try to keep Ukraine in famine as much as possible.

Give yourself points for the quality of each officer/unit liquidated and number of Ukrainians starved and at the end of the game total up those points (1 point per star, 1 point per 1,000 Ukrainians).

Lastly, complain loudly and unceasingly about how unfair the rest of the world was to you and how they are actually responsible for the deaths of the people you killed, or alternatively deny they existed in the first place. Bonus points if your country fails due to its outlandish economic model! (Courtesy of Stephen)

Side Mission: Send a spy to Mexico (New Spain on the map) and conveniently trip with an ice pick and stab someone.

Fun tip to try at home: Pull a Bernie Sanders/Obama and campaign for affordable healthcare so people don't have to pay $2500 for insulin.


Slana Ukraini: Don't be a prick and invade a sovereign territory for "historical clay".

I told you it was going to work Boris: Win the Russian Civil War

White Russian: Lose the Russian Civil War

Haha... no: Side with the government and destroy the communists

Always watching...: Destroy a Counter-Revolution

Commissar: Disband a unit for routing

Zhukov's Pride and Joy: Have 4 armies together made up of only conscripts

Everything for the Motherland: Lose 50000 men in a single war with one nation.

Attack of the Dead: Defeat an army that outnumbers you 7:1

Red Snow: Kill 35460 enemies in your provinces during winter months (need not be the same winter

Attamerced: Establish a protectorate in Turkey

Turkpsies: Destroy the ottoman empire before 1750

Carolus Decked: Establish a protectorate in Sweden

Slavic Union: Own all former Slavic territories or have them owned by a protectorate

You're not getting away that easily: Retake Finland

Not One Step Back: In a war with Germany, never lose a single battle

Future Lessons: Beat an army from any German nation (Prussia, Austria, Bavaria, Saxony, Wurttemburg, Hanover, and Westphalia) in the province of Astrakhan

Berlin Wall: Build a fort in Hannover and station it with a full stack of soldiers

Yalta Conference: Have France own Westphalia and Wurttemburg, Britain own Hanover, the USA own Bavaria, and Russia own Saxony and Brandenburg

Napoleon's Nightmare: Seize Paris after destroying a French Army in Muscovy

Cuban Missile Crisis: Become Hostile to the United States while owning Cuba

McCarthy's Nightmare: Have a spy in every United States territory

Red Alert: Destroy the United States before they can take over the entirety of the Americas

No Mujahideen This Time : Control the province of Afghanistan

Ruszkik haza!: Crush Hungary after having revolutionaries successfully rebel against you

Prague Spring: Crush a revolt in Bohemia and Moravia

Eternal Revolution: Own every Province

We are all equal: Complete the game after never researching "Rights of Man"

Franco's Fun-time: By any means, start a rebellion in the province of Spain.

Anti-Imperialism: Make sure no nations in Europe (including yourself) have overseas territories. Bonus points if you also kick European trade fleets out of the trading zones

The Revolution Triumphant!: Have every monarchy and constitutional monarchy replaced by republics

The Iron Shield: Save a nation from being wiped off the map by providing it with land and protecting it for 10 years (20 turns)

Any creative achievements would be graciously accepted if you have any suggestions.

8/8/20

- Finally got around to finishing that formatting problem

14/9/20

- Fixed spelling mistakes
- Added the Human Wave Offensive
- Removed Trotskyites
- Added Achievements

19/10/20

- Added the Red Alert Achievement
- Removed Trotskyites

22/11/20

- Added the "No Mujahideen This Time Around" Achievement
- Added the "Prague Spring" Achievement
- Added the "Ruszkik haza!" Achievement
- Removed Trotskyites
- Arrested Gorbachev

20/03/21

- Added New Achievements
- Sent guns to Vietnam
- Fought a war in Afghanistan

11/05/22

- New Achievements
- Sent 17 year olds to die in the Donbas
- Blew up the Presidential Yacht

29/05/23

- Obligatory Rewording
- Failed to take Bakhmut again
- Added more wholesome chicanery

18/06/23

- Added new achievements
- Fired Shoigu
- Obligatory yearly re-write
- Dropped airborne soldiers into the freezing cold water for a land operation