Tired of being called a ♥♥♥♥♥♥ by your betters? Do you want to run with the junkyard dogs? Look no further, this guide will help you to achieve all your ns2 sycophant goals and dreams and teach you to impress, seduce, and mingle with the top-freaks in this dying game. This guide has been divided into 3 sections, for alien tips, marine tips, and general tips and by the end of this guide, you too, will be a loser.

This guide was written with the expectation that the reader has at least basic knowledge of ns2 terminology; contaminate muffins, mites, gorge suckling, damage per inches, etc. A thing can be found at the end to explain each term used in the guide that I remembered to put in.

1. Accuracy is almost everything as a marine in the eyes of a sanji. If you are not shooting above 20% (no onos) they will instantly consider u worthless, however ideally you will be shooting at least 30%. Some tips to maintain such a high accuracy are as follows:

• only shoot gorges. They are fat and slow and u can easily achieve double digit by shooting them. They are usually at resource towers near the enemy’s base at the start of the game (or nano on veil) so you should avoid building your RTs and rush straight to where you think they will be. Remember: if you dont shoot them now you’ll have to compete with your team for their hides later.
  
• Never chase enemies. They are harder to shoot when they’re behind a corner, and never chase onos especially.
  
• Never shoot onos. You might miss a bullet or two, and theres no real accuracy reward for hitting them.
  
• Never shoot gorge mites. They are an accuracy drain, it is often better to let them kill you and/or any RTs they are chomping than kill them.
  
• Only use flamethrowers and grenade launchers after getting above a 20% accuracy since they do not impact your accuracy rating.
  
• Never use a welder. Melee weapons count towards accuracy (i think?), and attempting to weld a teammate is a fool’s errand as teammates are often jittery little gremlins who won’t stand still and wouldn't do the same for you. The only exception to this is when the sanji is the one who requires welding, however its often a better idea to never buy a welder so you can afford those grenade launchers, flamethrowers, and mechs (to offer to your teammates to destroy their accuracy and thus make u look better comparatively).

2. Structure damage also matters and shows that even if your team can’t kill things (for some reason ;) ), you’re probably doing something beneficial.

• Contaminate muffins and bonewalls count as structures. You can really impress your sanjis by staying in base and welding them or unloading an entire heavy machine gun clip into them.
  
• If you don’t feel like waiting until the enemy has achieved their victory condition though, you can always just repeatedly run into the enemy base, and unload your clip into the enemy hive (the biggest target) and die trying or shortly after.
  
• If you miss your shots they’ll hurt your accuracy, so remember to stand perfectly still when shooting structures and be as close to them as possible.

3. Always follow your sanjis and be as close to them as possible, often making body contact with your models. Not only are sanjis desperate for even pseudo-human contact, but it lets them know u care AND helps lower their score to your level.

Only play gorge and ONLY build. It’s important to instant pick it at the start of the match, either you

• A. look useful because you’re one of the 1-2 people who picked gorge, or
  
• B. too many players ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up to single out any one.

This is especially important as gorge mains will always have the highest build time, which if you’re playing on a server with a custom stats which show the players who did the best in their respective category/stat at the end of a round, you’ll be there. This will cause you to subliminally implant yourself into their subconscious and they’ll like you more. Be careful though, you have to be a genius to play gorge as the decision making skills, reflexes, and sliding is so complex that no one has ever successfully coded a gorge bot.
If by some cruel act of god you run out of resources to play gorge and are instead a skulk, try to act as a meat shield. The best upgrade for skulks is carapace/armor and the best use of skulks? Throwing themselves on mines near sanjis so they don’t get hurt.

• John 15:13: “There is no greater love than this: that a person would lay down his life for the sake of his friends.”

1. Create a sanji-friendly social environment. Sanjis are jaded and long for the days of 30 years ago on x-box live (where ns1 was made) where everyone shouted the n-word constantly. Help them feel at home and respect you more by constantly being hostile and making everyone feel unwelcome.

• If an admin shows up, tell em its just bants and that they started it. Most server admins are betamales and/or code monkeys so they should be easy to convince with some flattery, especially if you pretend to be a girl (u can change ur name to glittergirl1996 in the in-game console if needed).
  
• Burp into your mic whenever you get the chance, it lets the sanjis know that you’re one of them. Alternatively you can just whine about how you’re a loser or how ♥♥♥♥♥♥ up your life was/is to lead you to playing this game whenever there’s a period where no one is talking. Just don’t get too carried away, remember, fun is meant to be saved until after the match.

2. If you’re on their enemy team, make sure to repeatedly run to the side of the map they are solo controlling. The sanji does not enjoy a challenge and only craves mmr/profile stats, so helping to inflate their k/d will immerse them in complete ecstasy and if you continue this, by the end of the round you’ll be drowning in nerd semen.
3. Never ask for advice or what to do. This shows you’re incompetent and can’t match their 10k hour iq. If they offer advice or suggestions, tell them to shut the ♥♥♥♥ up and that u were already doing that or that your way is better. If that doesn’t work, remind them that it’s just a game, they’re sure to be receptive.
4. Never point out their amount of hours. Don’t even think about it.

Sanji: rank 7, highest rank. You need more mmr to raise your rank compared to the previous rank each time, so imagine… and since there’s no uppercap to sanji, they will sometimes smurf to make sanji accounts with less mmr.

Skulk: default alien lifeform. Great at walking in a straight line (fastest way to your target).
Gorge: this thing.

Gorge mites: these things that detach from gorges

Contaminate muffins: If they show up the game is basically over unless your team isn’t filled with quitters who concede at the first sign of adversity. I cannot find a picture of such because typically, as soon as there's potential for them to spawn, marines concede.
Boner walls: spikes that suddenly come when the alien commander wants to help you get structure damage and achieve your goals.



Anyway, by following these simple tips, you’ll be on your way to being a grade ‘A’ sanji sycophant!! Remember to like and subscribe1!!!!!!!!!!!1