Now, we all know Paladins has a wide variety of characters to choose from. Each character is made to be part of one of four classes: Flank, Support, Front Line, and Damage. Each of these classes have their own abilities, but really thee should only be one option for EVERY match.

First of all, choose one character and die with it at the grave. Don't ever change who you play, and if someone takes it just force quit the game, call them out for being toxic and "stealing" your character. In fact, call them words that God shouldn't ever hear because, and lets be real here, they deserve it.

Say you play Rei for example, every match. She's great, a nice big support with two big supportive cushions on her chest... uh I mean... Anyway, if someone takes your little bunny-lady Rei away from you, what should you do?

A step by step:
(a) Join a match
(b) Notice that Rei (or your own choice of character) gets taken
(c) Wonder what to do, now that you'll be entirely useless playing any other character (a good representation of you in real life I assume)
(d) Insult them in chat, call them a *******, ****, ******, ******, ****** and so on...
(e) Tell them you're going to kill yourself now that your one and only character has been taken away
(f) Wait for the match to start
(g) Tell them all that they're gay losers
(h) Force quit.

Yes, I know you get a penalty for quitting a match, but to be fair you should probably go outside you absolute degenerate; I mean you probably have 100s of hours on Paladins and need to see what the outside world really looks like before we all get Raptured.

(This is you, touching grass for the first time)

So, you have your character selection nailed down (by "selection", I am implying that you have one character to always play because you clearly didn't read the first part of this Guide you moron).

Now what?

A simple answer: play the damn game.

While this might seem rather simple at first, using your skills like a professional and darting around the map, killing everyone, you're missing the point. What you need to do in order to be successful in, not only playing but, winning is to just spam every ability you have constantly; Jump around the map like the little flea you are and kill people. Spam left click constantly, don't ever stop. In fact. why not use an auto-clicker to just keep spamming left click. But, I wouldn't be surprised if you already do because you're just a little loser nerd aren't you? Huh? Neerrrddd!

(This is you, you freakish nerd)

Don't forget that while you're playing to cuss out everyone and if people aren't using chat tell them that they're stupid ******* *****... Ahem... I meant to say, tell them that they need to communicate with the team. You're clearly communicating and putting in the effort (whether it's actually cohesive English or not because, knowing you, you probably have a few issues if you play Paladins 24/7), and they're not. You know what? If they don't even communicate just report them all and tell them that they're so dogshite at the game they need to get their grandmas to help them play as, although she's riddled with dementia, she's probably got more of a brain than they have.

So you've made it this far have you? Got your character to mastery 50, decided to start being a man and playing properly and now you want to WIN?

Well, there's two choices, you either:
(a) Win so hard that you're practically stepping on the other team's feet
(b) Lose so hard you rage quit and end up never wanting to play the game again, until you decide you do again and then you realise it's a toxic relationship and you have to break-up with them.. I mean the game...

Let's say you lose so hard you rage quit and end up never wanting to play the game again, until you decide you do again and then you realise it's a toxic relationship and you have to break-up with them.. I mean the game... You would really need to reevaluate your life choices. Why are you alive? Why are you playing this game? What is your life worth? Did you really deserve this (yes)?

(This is you, contemplating why the ♥♥♥♥ you even try)

After reevaluating your every life decision, and cursing your parents for making you, it's time to put your big boy pants on and get a job and go to work! Yes, you heard me right, after years of skiving rent from your mother's basement and not having a job since you were 16 it's really time to get out there and become a civilised human!

Oh, what's that? You won?

♥♥♥♥.

Look, you're not meant to win. This is meant to be a life lesson about why you are literally the biggest loser and why you SHOULDN'T be inside playing Paladins all day. I'm sure you tell yourself you're working your "job" (failing twitch streamer) or you're just "blowing off steam" but you literally do nothing all day, you literally just sit around playing Paladins and ordering McDonald's.

Have you understood this Guide?

I hope so, you leach.

Get a job, touch some grass, go wipe your ass and have a damn shower because you really smell like a sewer.

Like seriously, I can smell you through the damn screen.

(This is me, because I can actually smell you so bad, please put deodorant on you sweat)