This bible will teach you how to play L4D2 like I do; that is to say, how to play it like a professional. These strategies are very effective. They will help you and your team. In fact, they will very much aid your progress and decrease the odds of you getting votekicked.

After all...

Why would I ever lie to you?

A well balanced team composition will greatly increase your chances of success. Therefore, it is crucial that you ignore the weapon choices of your teammates, and instead pick whatever you want to use. The responsibility of accounting for the weaknesses of your loadout and altering their own loadouts to accommodate rests upon their shoulders, not yours.

Tier 3 weapons are bigger, and are therefore better. Always pick them up, no matter the circumstances.

Shotguns reign supreme as the best weapons in the game. Their shorter effective range means you get to see the bloodshed up close, which is a lot more entertaining.

Bile bombs deal no damage, so there's no reason to ever choose them. Pipe bombs are ok, but because they only deal damage once, Molotovs are better by default. If you already have a grenade, but find another one, just throw your current grenade at the nearest floor, wall or teammate.

Since Left 4 Dead 2 is also a very realistic and historically accurate game, we need to make good choices when it comes to melee weapons. When was the last time you went out in public and saw a Katana or a Fire Axe just laying around? Acceptable choices include the Shovel, Frying Pan, Guitar, Baseball Bat and Crowbar.

L4D2 is a game about killing zombies. The more zombies there are, the more zombies you can kill. Shooting car alarms spawns a lot of zombies. It really just makes sense when you think about it.

It's also not worth telling your teammates that you're going to shoot a car. This might give them the opportunity to get ready and steal your kills, and we can't have that.

Furthermore, standing on top of the car after you shoot it lets everyone around you know who to thank for the ensuing horde.

Smokers, Hunters, Jockeys and Chargers can all be ignored. If you let them pin one of your teammates, then they pose no threat to you.

Spitters are also fairly easy to ignore, though if you must attack them, do so in a tight and enclosed space such as a choke point that your team needs to pass through. Since your teammates will be forced to wait for the spit to disappear, they'll have plenty of time to thank you.

Boomers on the other hand, can be used to your advantage. Kill them with a melee weapon so that you get covered in bile: every common infected will aggro onto you, letting you farm some easy kills.

Melee weapons are also effective against Tanks, especially if you have less than 40 HP. Whilst there is a slight risk of you dying from this, there's also a risk that you'll be admired by your teammates if you manage to kill a Tank with a Frying Pan with only 5 HP.

Witches should always be crowned as soon as possible. They're crying because they're upset, and since they don't respond well to conversation or therapy, the only solution is to kill them. Crowning is the fastest and most painless method, and reduces the amount of suffering they need to endure.

Gas cans, propane tanks and fireworks can be used to set traps, which you can use to wipe out large numbers of infected at once. They are particularly useful in finales, where you may need to defend the one location for a long time; if you find a gas can early in the campaign, hold onto it right until the finale. Your teammates should understand what you're trying to do, and will protect you.

You can't trigger your trap without shooting it. To avoid missing, stand right on top of it. This also has the benefit of making the infected come closer to the trap. It's also worth triggering your traps when a teammate is near them, as this will kill any infected trying to attack them.

Sometimes your teammate might be pinned by an infected. This is the perfect opportunity to set up a gas can near them to kill not only the special infected, but any commons that might try to hurt them as they stand up.

Pills are completely useless; they never helped anybody, and the health drains over time anyway. Adrenaline is far superior, since it lets you run faster, meaning you can get to the zombies before your teammates do. Always use it as soon as you find it.

Medkits are ok, but defibrillators are better. After all, you can't kill zombies if you're dead. Your "Average defibrillators used per game" stat reflects how much of a team player you are, and you'll want to do your best to increase this stat by any means necessary. If you need to, kill your teammates so you can revive them.

Some people might say that it's best to save your healing supplies for after you've been incapped, to get the most value out of them. I say, this is ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. Remember, however much health you have right now, it could be more if you used your first aid kit. If you've taken ANY damage, then it's always worth healing up.

Good headsets are expensive, and you already spent all your money on this game. It's safe to assume that you probably don't have a mic, so we'll instead need to rely on other means of communication.

Shooting your teammates is a great way to get their attention. They'll even have damage indicators to show them exactly where you are.

If you don't have any ammo, a grenade can do the trick. Otherwise, you can spam your favourite voice command to let them know you're still alive.

Remember to never use a vocalizer mod under any circumstances. This is a serious game, and we don't have time for such shenanigans. Besides, the best voicelines in the game are the ones that come built into the default chat wheels: why else would Valve put them there?

Finally, and most importantly, if you aren't preoccupied with anything else (or if you are), then remember to always spam the "I'm coming" voiceline whilst looking up and down and switching weapons rapidly. There are many crucial benefits to this practice, and many are so obvious that they aren't even worth stating.

You may have been told such lies as "Team killing people is wrong", "We've already had to restart the chapter 3 times because you keep killing us", and "Please stop harassing me and commenting on my profile". All of this is objectively wrong. There are times where team killing is completely justified, such as when one of your teammates is a griefer.

Examples of griefing include:
- Stealing other peoples kills
- Triggering traps before you've finished setting them up
- Rushing further ahead than you're already rushing
- Being better at the game than you are
- Stealing the weapon you wanted to use
- Getting incapped
- Using weapons I don't personally like

You may need to ask yourself, "Is killing my teammate in this situation warranted?". Though it may depend on the circumstances, it's generally best to just play it safe and answer "Yes".

Always remember the golden rule: subtlety is senseless. The longer your griefer teammate is alive, the more damage they can do. Immediately mag dump them and T-Bag/V-Bag them as they rage quit.

In some rare instances, team killing won't be enough. You may need to escalate the situation further, and call a vote kick. However, since votekicks require the cooperation of 2 of your teammates, they are inherently flawed and pointless. To bypass this, only ever play on your own local host server, or on a friends local host. This will ensure you can kick anybody you want at any time, for any reason, with no repurcussions.

Finales, as the name suggests, are the final(e) thing you need to do before beating the campaign. Since you'll want to leave a good lasting impression on your teammates, you'll need to take this last opportunity to do so.

Upon reaching the finale area, use every available medical item. As discussed earlier, more health is always better, and a medkit is useless if you're dead.

Next, throw every grenade. Beating a finale without grenades will make your teammates think you're cool and skilled at the game. This is a great way to make new lifelong friends, who will surely add you before the game is over.

Since lore is important, always listen to every piece of dialogue recited by the NPCs over the radio. If you miss even a single word, you might not understand the context behind why you're being rescued, making it pointless.

As a power move, stick close to the player who has annoyed you the most throughout the game and kill them right before they reach the rescue vehicle.

When the teammates you actually like are safe and secure on the rescue vehicle, it might be a good idea to sacrifice yourself to the horde. This will buy them time to escape, and ensure that their final memory of you is one where you look heroic and badass.

Another crucial aspect is choosing a good holdout position. Most players tend to holdout in the same locations each time, which is boring and repetitive. If you want to be unique and special, try these holdout spots instead:

Dead Center - Stand on top of the information booth. This gives you a good overview of the area, and lets you watch all your teammates at once as they collect the cans.

The Passing - Camp underneath the L4D1 survivors. Zoey, being the gold digger that she is, will occasionally give you some leftover items she stole from her ex husbands during the divorces.

Dark Carnival - In front of the microphone, so that your teammates can always hear your beautiful voice at all times, no matter where they are.

Swamp Fever - On top of the hedges. The hedge maze will confuse the zombies, who won't be able to find you.

Hard Rain - In front of the Burger Tank, in the water. Nothing says "Everyone else on my team is a ♥♥♥♥♥" quite like being the only one willingly putting yourself in danger.

The Parish - Just rush to the end as fast as you can.