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How to take a shower (From a Legion Main FOR Legion Mains)

By Legion's Kisser

◤ - ✽ So, you’ve spent the last six hours tunneling Survivors, chaining Frenzy hits like a caffeine-fueled gremlin, and getting flamed in post-game chat. Now, there’s a faint, yet undeniable, aura of… stench… surrounding you. Could it be the sweat of an intense gaming session? The unholy fusion of energy drink fumes and despair? No, my friend—it’s time for a shower. But don’t worry! As a stinky Legion main myself, I’ll guide you through this step-by-step. ✽ - ◢

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Legion's Kisser
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Category: Achievements, Characters, Classes, Co-op, Crafting, Game Modes, Gameplay Basics, Loot, Maps or Levels, Modding or Configuration, Multiplayer, Secrets, Story or Lore, Trading, Walkthroughs, Weapons, Workshop

Languages: English

Posted

Updated

9 Feb @ 7:51am

9 Feb @ 7:52am

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Guide Index

Overview

✽ Step 1: Locating the Shower

✽ Step 2: Preparing Yourself

✽ Step 3: Turning on the Water

✽ Step 4: Getting Wet (No, Not Like That, You Gremlin)

✽ Step 5: Soap – Your Version of Sloppy Butcher

✽ Step 6: Shampoo – Because Your Hair Deserves More Than Just Gamer Grease

✽ Step 7: Rinsing – The Final Phase (No, You Can’t Stay Forever)

✽ Step 8: Drying Off – Post-Shower Endgame Collapse

✽ Step 9: Deodorant – Your New Best Friend

◞♡ Conclusion

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✽ Step 1: Locating the Shower

Much like Survivors trying to find the last totem when you’ve got NOED, you may struggle to locate this mystical cleansing chamber. Here’s a hint: it’s not in the basement. It’s usually found in a room called a “bathroom,” often near where your parents yell at you to “go outside.”

✽ Step 2: Preparing Yourself

Before entering, take a deep breath. It’s okay—your Frenzy meter won’t deplete. Now, remove the sacred garments that have been absorbing your dedication to The Entity. Yes, that means the same hoodie you’ve worn for a week straight. And no, spraying Axe body spray doesn’t count as cleansing.

✽ Step 3: Turning on the Water

This part is crucial. Unlike DBD servers, showers have consistent running water. Twist the knob. If it’s too cold, don’t panic like a Survivor spotting a Nurse. Adjust accordingly. If it’s too hot, you are not a Blight main—calm down.

✽ Step 4: Getting Wet (No, Not Like That, You Gremlin)

Step under the stream. Yes, all of you. This is not a Legion Frenzy hit—you don’t just brush past the water and move on. Commit. Soak. Let the sins of slugging at five gens be washed away.

✽ Step 5: Soap – Your Version of Sloppy Butcher

You know how you apply Mangle and Deep Wound to Survivors? Do the same to yourself, but with soap. Lather up. You should see bubbles. That’s a good thing. If you haven’t used actual soap in over a week, prepare for it to hiss upon contact like a Vampire touching sunlight. That’s normal. ♡

✽ Step 6: Shampoo – Because Your Hair Deserves More Than Just Gamer Grease

Pour some in your hand (not half the bottle, you maniac). Work it into your hair. Scrub, much like you scrub your reputation after a particularly scummy match. Rinse out completely, unless you enjoy the crispy texture of forgotten product buildup.

✽ Step 7: Rinsing – The Final Phase (No, You Can’t Stay Forever)

Now that you’re properly soaped and scrubbed, it’s time to rinse everything off. Think of it like resetting your power after a Frenzy run—necessary to start fresh. Stand under the water until all the soap is gone. No half measures.

✽ Step 8: Drying Off – Post-Shower Endgame Collapse

Grab a towel. (No, your shirt is not a towel, degenerate.) Dry yourself like you just finished a sweaty five-gen chase. DO NOT put on the same clothes you were wearing before the shower—this isn’t a speedrun.

✽ Step 9: Deodorant – Your New Best Friend

Survivors cleanse totems. You cleanse your pits. Simple as that. Use deodorant. This will ensure that next time you queue up, you’re not hitting people with Feral Funk instead of Feral Frenzy.

◞♡ Conclusion

Congratulations, you have successfully taken a shower! Much like vaulting a pallet in Frenzy, it wasn’t that hard, was it? Now you can queue up again, knowing that you’re no longer a real-life Hex: Stench of Death. Go forth, my Legion main—clean, refreshed, and slightly less terrifying to those around you. ᯓ★

(…At least until you queue up and tunnel someone off hook again. But hey, one step at a time.)

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