Im some Idiot from off the streets of nowhere, i know nothing, i am nobody, and yet, i talk to you
i am 1/4 of the way through my life, thats a scary number, im not rich, im not even wealthy by any means, everything i have was worked for by either my family, friends, or myself,
and this smile that i wear, its a constant. it upsets others, it may upset you

How its come to this
I grew up in a state of constant crisis, i never knew where to look, growing up everyone was always piling on these big choices that i couldnt handle. "where do you want to work first" "where do you want to live" "when will you marry" "what do you want to be when you grow up" "when will that hobby become a job" (it doesnt btw) , ETC.
big questions like that, being bombarded with them, scared me.
and i further grew up knowing that im not going to live as long as i want to. i may breathe for a long time, but living and surviving are two very VERY different things in my eyes.
Im going blind, i have early onset arthritis, i struggle with blood pressure issues which have slowly gotten worse over time, and i am rather poor.
These are scary to think of, because its only a matter of time before i cant see the games i love playing, its only a matter of time before i stop being able to move and do the things i love doing.
this all led for me to develop the "why not" mindset, where i existed out of spite.
i see something i want to try? eh, screw it, ill do it, you only live once. and from there i existed out of spite. even now i exist out of spite. but i also have a new purpose. i want to share the things ive found, stuff that has helped me live more. things that made me happy.

Heres an art so you may slightly visualize my sorry self

I very, VERY painfully often, see people comparing themselves to others, i was a victim of doing so myself actually. i spent a lot of time looking to people who had more than me, or less than me, and i let that hurt myself a lot.

Something i think we all forget, is that this is our first time ever being alive. every, single, one of us.
and we spend a lot of our lives hurting eachother, or ourselves, because we, as humans, make mistakes. we don't accept that mistakes happen,
a mistake is an occurrence that one learns from, it is an error, nothing more. and to live expecting perfection is pointless. perfection is a fallacy, its a lie, it doesn't exist, beauty is imperfection, mistakes are the things we do that show we are special. sometimes they occur out of idiocy, sometimes they happen out of exploring the unknown.
You don't have to do as well as someone else to be alive, or to be happy, and you don't have to do worse than others either. if you see another making a mistake, the best thing you, as a human, can do? help them learn from it, if you make fun of them for their mistakes, partake in schadenfreude, laughing at them in their moment of misfortune, you feed the fire that chars everyone's hearts.

Depression is a feeling, its indescribable, a punch in the gut, the urge to cry, the ominous feeling of dread, and so much more. it takes many shapes, in many people, and we will all experience it to some degree.
Your depression is not better, nor worse, than my depression. if it pains you, it pains you, i am tempered to it, so i may not cry, it may take more to make me cry, that makes me tough, tough is not good. tough invites weakness, because when i do eventually break down, it isn't light, you don't have to be tough, you have to be strong, and being strong isn't hiding it, being strong is being true to yourself.

one of my favorite ways to look at this comes from 2 very different ideals. the bathtub ideal, and the ocean ideal.

the bathtub idea.
all the things you experience in life, everything that hurts you, is water in a bathtub, the longer you've experienced it, the taller the walls of that bathtub will grow,
The height of that bathtub does not matter, because it will fill regardless, and when it overflows, you break down, you fall apart. everyone does.
sometimes, peoples tall bathtubs take damage, mine has, when you take a blow in life, it punches a hole in the side of your tub, which makes your tub look tall, makes you look weathered, but you cannot hold as much water as you used to. that hole can be mended with time, and self love. but the scar of it will remain.
sometimes, there are other people who can take on water for you, to help you not overflow, sometimes there are people who can help you patch that hole, so that you can hold your own water.
sometimes, there are people who can make that hole wider, those are the people you want to avoid

and the ocean ideal,
Everything you experience in life that hurts you is an ocean, a deep... dark... black scary ocean, and it spreads out forever, no shore in sight. but you can swim, we all start swimming
the longer you go through life, the harder it is to swim alone, a current builds underneath you, pulling you under.
that current is depression, it is the sadness that lurks, the hands that pull you to demise,
and it will pull you until that water fills your lungs. when it fills your lungs, you fall apart, you suffocate yourself in your own fears and turmoils. you panic and forget how to swim.
Something worth remembering is that, when you are drowning, that's it, you are drowning, and it doesn't matter anymore how deep that water is,
whether you are in 10ft of water. or 100, there's still water in your lungs, you still suffer all the same, the deeper you are though, the harder it is to get free.
something you need to do, is learn how to swim again, and that's far easier said than done... negativity in life is the first thing that needs to go, find yourself, and when you do. you can swim.
Community is one of the biggest helps. together, people build rafts, when you are with those who care for you, and who take care of you, you don't need to swim, as a group, you float. so don't venture that ocean alone.

This is the first thing i want to get clear,
hobbies are not jobs, jobs are not hobbies.
they are not the same,

a hobby is a side thing you do, its exploration, its pleasure in the boring moments you may live with in times,
if you are bored, you can pick up a hobby. they come in many varieties

Gaming is a hobby, TV technically is one.
Sports are hobbies, sports are WIDE,
Hiking, exploration, climbing, exertion. those qualify
And so does art. Drawing, modeling, Creating to any capacity, thats art. and art is beautiful
art is easy to do, its hard to master, but it is easy to do. its a quick and simple way to pour YOURSELF onto something, when you do art, you dont do it like someone else, do it in your own manner, do it in a way that represents who YOU are. yes?