Britannic: Patroness of the Mediterranean

Britannic: Patroness of the Mediterranean

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How to breathe air
By Async Research
1. 🧬 Introduction to Breathing
Breathing is the fundamental act of transporting air in and out of your lungs to facilitate gas exchange. It’s kind of important. Like, stay-alive level important. Without it, you'd be an unconscious meat statue in under three minutes. This tutorial aims to assist novice humans, bored readers, and oxygen-curious AI in executing successful respiration.

2. 📦 Materials Required
Before we begin, please gather the following:

A functional pair of lungs (left and right recommended)

A nose and/or mouth (models may vary)

A trachea (bonus if it's not blocked)

A reasonably oxygenated atmosphere

A sense of dramatic overkill

Optional:

Yoga mat (for flair)

A mirror (to check you're not a ghost)

Atmospheric pressure (1 atm preferred)

3. ⚠️ Safety Precautions
Breathing, while simple, must be done with care:

Do not attempt to breathe underwater without special equipment (you are not a fish).

Avoid breathing in space unless you have a spaceship or are very chill about dying.

Do not substitute air with toxic gases. Your lungs are not trained professionals.

Consult a physician before breathing if you’re unsure whether you are alive.

4. 🫁 Anatomy of a Breath
Let’s break it down:

Inhalation: You suck in air (like a vacuum with less ambition).

Oxygen Exchange: Your lungs do fancy chemistry and oxygen enters your blood like a VIP entering a nightclub.

Exhalation: You blow out carbon dioxide, which is the smelly, unloved cousin of oxygen.

5. 🌎 The Environment Setup
Ensure you're in a place with breathable air. Some suggested environments:

Earth (recommended)

A well-ventilated room

Anywhere that’s not on fire or under the ocean

Avoid:

Volcano interiors

The Moon

Vacuum-sealed bags

6. 🫤 Step-by-Step Guide to Inhalation
Step 1: Locate your breathing hole(s).
This is either your nostrils or your mouth. Choose one. You’re dual-wielding if you're feeling fancy.

Step 2: Initiate the inhale.
Do this by expanding your diaphragm. This is not a spell. It’s the muscle under your lungs. Pull it down like you’re making space for your feelings.

Step 3: Let air enter.
Air will rush in due to science. You don’t need to invite it with a coupon.

Step 4: Confirm that air is inside.
Your chest may rise. Your lungs may inflate. You may feel alive. If you do, success!

Step 5: Pause dramatically (optional).
Hold your breath for a moment. Pretend you’re in a suspense movie. Optional, but stylish.

7. 🧘 Mid-Breath Contemplation
While you hold your breath (if you chose to), ask yourself:

Why am I reading a tutorial on breathing?

Who writes this stuff?

Do I breathe better than my enemies?

Is this pause long enough to achieve enlightenment?

When you’re done, proceed.

8. 😮‍💨 Step-by-Step Guide to Exhalation
Step 1: Prepare to release.
This is the climax of your breathing arc. You’ve held the air hostage; now set it free.

Step 2: Contract your diaphragm upward.
Squeeze gently like you’re trying to get the last bit of toothpaste out of a tube.

Step 3: Expel the air.
Let it flow out of your nose or mouth like a gust of wind or a disappointed sigh.

Step 4: Feel the relief.
Congratulations. You just exhaled like a pro. You may now do it again… forever.

9. 🧯 Common Mistakes and Troubleshooting
Problem Diagnosis Solution
You forgot to inhale Panic not — just do it now Try Step 6 again
You inhaled a fly That’s protein, but still gross Cough. Sneeze. Regret. Repeat.
You forgot how to exhale Happens to the best of us See Step 8
You tried to breathe in lava Why. Just why. Relocate to Not Volcano
Breathing hurts Possibly a medical issue Consult a doctor immediately

10. 🧙 Breathing Techniques for Advanced Users
So you’ve mastered basic breathing? Try these:

Box Breathing: Inhale 4s, hold 4s, exhale 4s, hold 4s. Feel like a box.

Wim Hof Method: Inhale aggressively. Hold breath. Yell at snow.

Lamaze Breathing: Pant like you’re pretending to have contractions.

Darth Vader Breathing: Breathe loudly through a mask. Intimidate.

11. 🙋 FAQ
Q: Can I skip a breath?
A: Technically yes, but we don’t recommend skipping more than a few. Especially not all of them.

Q: Is air vegan?
A: Usually. Unless you live near a barbecue.

Q: Can I breathe manually forever?
A: You can try. Just don’t forget while distracted by memes.

Q: How many breaths per minute should I do?
A: ~12–20. Or 500 if you just saw a spider.

12. 🎉 Congratulations! You're Breathing!
You did it. You are now a certified Breather™. Take a moment to appreciate how your lungs are quietly working 24/7 without asking for much in return. (Just don’t smoke. They hate that.)

13. 📚 Appendices
Appendix A: Breathing in Different Languages
Appendix B: Breathing while sleeping: An involuntary miracle
Appendix C: How fish breathe (they don’t use this tutorial)
Appendix D: Breathing and taxes: Only one is optional (guess which)

14. 🧾 Citations
Your own lungs

The atmosphere

Every biology class ever

Common sense

   
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Just Breathe The Air.