Okay okay. so I looked at the logfiles and found the reason for the crashes and blackscreens:

I scrolled to the bottom and saw something like this:


1920x1080x32bpp@60->1440x800x32bpp->FAIL (recreated since I ran the game successfully)

So here's what I gathered: in this game, all resolutions are scaled by the last resolution in the EDID table. Windows and nvidia packs tons of extra crap into it, so for me, the last resolution wasn't even the right one. so here's what you have to do:
1. download Custom Resolution Utility
http://www.monitortests.com/…/Thread-Custom-Resolution-Util…-Util…
2. Open it up
3. Delete all "standard resolutions" (second box)
4. Uncheck "include extension block" (THIS WILL DELETE THE ANNOYING UHD/HD/SD RESOLUTIONS IN NVIDIA CONTROL PANEL AND TREAT YOUR MONITOR LIKE A NORMAL MONITOR
5. restart (if the driver fails to verify you may have to enable test signing and disable safe boot in bios)
This will make sure that the last resolution on the list will be your native res. All instances of the game failing to draw (blackscreen) is because it thinks that your native resolution is wrong and it's downscaling, or that the refresh rate is wrong (uhd/hd/sd resolutions have 50 hz)
After you restart, open your nvidia control panel again. all of those stupid resolutions should be gone, and blam! The game should open fine. Seriously.