There is only one way to be the best sperm.

First, get as much money as you possibly can. About $3000 should be enough to wet your whistle.
Then, you must invest in nothing but speed. Boosters, afterburners, or speed engines should suffice. Put any remaining money into weapons. Armor is useless and bad and you should feel bad.

After that, enter the game. You must obliterate or overtake any other sperms if you want to truly be the very best, like no-one ever was. Rapid Lasers and Spread Shot should be perfect for wiping out opposition, but Ion Torpedo is nobody's fool either. Grab as many boost powerups as can be grabbed, but don't go back for any if you miss them. This will take critical timing and good flying skill.

Finally, throw all of your speed in at the very end. Try to stay ahead of the game beforehand, but if you're second or third, or even in first, you need to start boosting as best as you can right at the end to c u m first in this rat race. These tactics will get you out of any sticky situation, but you need to be despermined to win.

May the best man suckseed.