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328 ratings

how to cs:go

By pooparse

A lot of scrubs ask me how to git gud because I'm the best.
This guide will focus on CS:GO's one and only competitive match making.

Award

Created by

pooparse
Offline

Languages: English

Category: Getting Started, Individual Skill, Team Strategy, Competition

Modes: Bomb Defuse, Hostage Rescue, Demolition, Arms Race, Deathmatch

Posted

Updated

17 Jan, 2017 @ 6:28pm

27 Jan, 2017 @ 2:09pm

24,228	Unique Visitors
133	Current Favorites

Guide Index

Overview

How to Approach Competitive Match Making.

Dying in Counter Strike: Global Offensive's Match Making

You and CS:GO's MM ranking system

On a more serious note...

Comments

How to Approach Competitive Match Making.

When playing CS:GO it is essential to every professional player, this includes YOU, that you have a "state" (No, not an excuse at all!) in your name!

Examples include:

These pros have the RIGHT idea! Everything circled in yellow is a "state", so they let everyone know they are THE BEST and THEY ARE NOT GOING 100%.

Dying in Counter Strike: Global Offensive's Match Making

Remember, when you die in MM, It is NEVER YOUR FAULT.

Let your team know that it was THEIR FAULT by shouting as loud as possible into your microphone. If they want to kick you, let them know how bad they are at CS:GO.

Next, proceed to ♥♥♥♥♥ ABOUT 64 TICK, even though you can't tell the difference between 64 tick and 128 tick. Also your internet connection is to blame, so spam chat with LAG.

Now, let the enemy team know YOU WERE NOT TRYING and state you also have a NEW MOUSE or maybe a NEW HEADSET.

But the most important thing is DYING IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.

You and CS:GO's MM ranking system

If you are wondering why you are not a higher rank than you feel , simply ask a lucky noob who happens to be a higher rank than you, the following questions:

how did u get to <x> rank!!1!!/1/1?!!?//??
wat is ur sens!1/1/1/1/11/!?
what skins shud i get?
i soloq and always get bad teams!!11 how did u soloq and get there!?

If they respond with the following:

-"I just play DM and watch guides on YouTube and practice lol"
-"I just keeping persisting when i soloq, i try and be positive and help my team in every way"

Tell them they are full of ♥♥♥♥!

Everyone knows that YOU are not the rank you should be, because of YOUR ♥♥♥♥♥♥ TEAM MATES! That's why you are not Global Elite!

IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT.

On a more serious note...

This guide is targeted to all the snobs out there lololololololol.

Just have fun...

o w8
it's csgo
nvm

176 Comments

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Zazer 16 Apr, 2020 @ 8:30pm

nws :)

AeeN 15 Apr, 2020 @ 8:22am

ty helped me alot

Zazer 19 Feb, 2017 @ 8:42pm

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Zazer 19 Feb, 2017 @ 8:42pm

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Zazer 19 Feb, 2017 @ 8:41pm

rip

pooparse [author] 17 Feb, 2017 @ 11:40pm

i don't remember buying small condoms so i think my CC has been crompromised....

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pooparse [author] 17 Feb, 2017 @ 5:17pm

I got a dog named Spud for christmas. I use peanut butter as lubricant. I always make sure it's creamy for obvious reasons. I would recommend Skippy; Im not much of a fan of Jif. I was wacking off to some interracial lesbians pissing on each other. All of a sudden Spud walks in. He freaked me out but alas my wood stayed hard for some reason. Spud walked on over and began licking the Skippy off my wiener. And it was so arousing and such a turn on. This became almost daily thing. Spud and I began developing an intimate relationship and fell in love. I could see it in his eyes. We had sex for the first time. It was unforgettable. I felt bad for Spud's anal cavity the first time. The squeals he made...anyways he got use to it. Eventually Spud passed away. I would visit his grave every day. I missed Spud so much that one night I snuck into the pet cemetery and dug up his grave to see him one more time. I unzipped my pants and had one last go on my best friend I miss you Spud.

Zazer 11 Feb, 2017 @ 4:48pm

add me n we can rage together <3

Zazer 11 Feb, 2017 @ 4:47pm

lol have my babies dad

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