Ah, a fellow aspiring mod maker

I have to note, however, that you are giving your private dropbox link to the file in question, thus other people (like, say, me) can't access it.
To get a public link, open the dropbox folder it's stored in and right click on the file, then in the dropdown menu select "Copy Dropbox link." (it may be here or hidden within "More..." submenu).

Originally posted by EvilChaosKnight:

Ah, a fellow aspiring mod maker :awswlorem:

I have to note, however, that you are giving your private dropbox link to the file in question, thus other people (like, say, me) can't access it.
To get a public link, open the dropbox folder it's stored in and right click on the file, then in the dropdown menu select "Copy Dropbox link." (it may be here or hidden within "More..." submenu).

Ah, my apologies. I'm new to dropbox, but I'll see if I can fix it.

hey Amaletz.
This is a mod I've thought about before, I had some idea's for things the dergs can do.
if you want send a friend request and we can have a chat. Maybe I can help if you need it.
(I havn't tried the mod yet, I only just saw it)
I'm looking forward to the Bro scene

Haven't tried Bryce's story yet, but here are my thoughts on Anna's arc.

Hello! This is commander Shepar... I mean Chaos, and here's my review. Before I go into details, I want to note that overall this mod arc was rough around the edges but decent.
A lot of those notes I took while playing through it, so take it as you wish.

* - Kinda objective feedback
~ - Heavily personally biased feedback.
(!) - Important points.

Technical side:
* Please allow me to use the pause menu. I want to save! D:
* And load, too.
* Music fadeout/fade-in are pretty useful to smooth out the experience.
~ It may be a personal thing, but for non-character resources like credits graphics or in-code labels try and use your name abbreviation prefixes (for you it'd be "ats_"). This will help minimize possible mod future incompatibilities in the event label or resource names match.
~ Char graphics normally go to "cr" folder, credits are kinda good where they are.

Images and graphics:
* New char graphics are done pretty well.
* However, the colors on Anna's "love" and "lipbite" is off.
~ Seeing dragon backgrounds in the human world feels kinda odd. Might just be me. Finding new backgrounds is a pain, though, I know.

Story technicalities:
~ I can notice the influence of my mod in some aspects.
(!) Key idea: show, don't tell. There should be a fine balance between the two sure but still. It's better to lean mostly on the descriptive part rather than straight up telling the reader what is what.
(!) Repeating words. I know I am no saint myself here, but it's better to try and limit the reuse of the same word in the lines close to each other.
(!) Tense confusion. Pick one and stick with it, rather than jumping between the past and present.

Story and plot (SPOILERS!):
* Might need to replay it a couple of times before drawing conclusions.
(!) If human cure is only causing minor side-effects, why delay the application?
~ Could use some conflict? Idk.
* Forgiveness scene was pretty nice, but the wording didn't sit right with me.
* Amely is just way too talkative.

Grammar:
~ I... I think I better leave that to S3lvah if he chooses.

Originally posted by EvilChaosKnight:

Haven't tried Bryce's story yet, but here are my thoughts on Anna's arc.

Hello! This is commander Shepar... I mean Chaos, and here's my review. Before I go into details, I want to note that overall this mod arc was rough around the edges but decent.
A lot of those notes I took while playing through it, so take it as you wish.

* - Kinda objective feedback
~ - Heavily personally biased feedback.
(!) - Important points.

Technical side:
* Please allow me to use the pause menu. I want to save! D:
* And load, too.
* Music fadeout/fade-in are pretty useful to smooth out the experience.
~ It may be a personal thing, but for non-character resources like credits graphics or in-code labels try and use your name abbreviation prefixes (for you it'd be "ats_"). This will help minimize possible mod future incompatibilities in the event label or resource names match.
~ Char graphics normally go to "cr" folder, credits are kinda good where they are.

Images and graphics:
* New char graphics are done pretty well.
* However, the colors on Anna's "love" and "lipbite" is off.
~ Seeing dragon backgrounds in the human world feels kinda odd. Might just be me. Finding new backgrounds is a pain, though, I know.

Story technicalities:
~ I can notice the influence of my mod in some aspects.
(!) Key idea: show, don't tell. There should be a fine balance between the two sure but still. It's better to lean mostly on the descriptive part rather than straight up telling the reader what is what.
(!) Repeating words. I know I am no saint myself here, but it's better to try and limit the reuse of the same word in the lines close to each other.
(!) Tense confusion. Pick one and stick with it, rather than jumping between the past and present.

Story and plot (SPOILERS!):
* Might need to replay it a couple of times before drawing conclusions.
(!) If human cure is only causing minor side-effects, why delay the application?
~ Could use some conflict? Idk.
* Forgiveness scene was pretty nice, but the wording didn't sit right with me.
* Amely is just way too talkative.

Grammar:
~ I... I think I better leave that to S3lvah if he chooses.

I certainly see your points. I'm new to the whole modding business, and, like I said, this is a work in progress. I'll take your feedback and see what I can do with it. If you have any additional feedback on the Bryce story, let me know (Although, it's highly likely to be similar to what you have already said here).

I downloaded the mod from the dropbox link you provided above this morning and wasn't able to access bryce's aftermath through the true ending after getting his romantic scene. I can however, get anna's aftermath scene. I'm assuming that you haven't updated the link in the main post as after tinkering enough to get into bryce's aftermath i noticed some missing sprites.

Yeah I have to note that you don't have a hook to Bryce's aftermath arc.
You have commented out code which says this:

While you need to have just this really:
Some initial feedback on Bryce's arc:
1. Still feels a bit rushed but not as much as Anna's story. General technicalities still apply.
2. Human city background is heavily de-centered.
3. Missing Maverick frames are a thing (damn that missing sprite replacement pic is creepy AF). He doesn't blush in the original game so said frame needs to be made.
4. Those innuendos make me suffer from some weird kind of pain. I am not sure if it's intentional or not. If it is, props to the writing.
5. "That night we've spent" talk. It wasn't a very original concept in my mod either, so I guess I can't complain.
6. MC new apt is also de-centered.
7. Last scene feels a bit too sappy, but it has some good ideas.

Originally posted by EvilChaosKnight:

Yeah I have to note that you don't have a hook
Some initial feedback on Bryce's arc:
1. Still feels a bit rushed but not as much as Anna's story. General technicalities still apply.
2. Human city background is heavily de-centered.
3. Missing Maverick frames are a thing (damn that missing sprite replacement pic is creepy AF). He doesn't blush in the original game so said frame needs to be made.
4. Those innuendos make me suffer from some weird kind of pain. I am not sure if it's intentional or not. If it is, props to the writing.
5. "That night we've spent" talk. It wasn't a very original concept in my mod either, so I guess I can't complain.
6. MC new apt is also de-centered.
7. Last scene feels a bit too sappy, but it has some good ideas.

Whoops! Didn't realize that thing about Maverick. I had a sprite for Maverick blushing, but I guess I didn't have it applied in the common file.

Okay, I'm really gonna work on this more before I release another version! XD

Originally posted by Amaletz:

Whoops! Didn't realize that thing about Maverick. I had a sprite for Maverick blushing, but I guess I didn't have it applied in the common file.

It's not among the files provided either so it's prob. somewhere else. :)

Got around to checking out the Anna arc, and I have to say I quite liked it!

There were a few points that arose, the addressing of which I thought would improve the experience. Play the mod through with patience, and check for the following:

- Typos & style
It seems you have a very high-level understanding of grammar, and nailed most of it. There were mainly several missing periods from the ends of dialogue. Also, I'd use contractions (I'm, you're, it's instead of 'I am', 'you are', 'it is', etc.) in dialogue a bit more often, since that's how (at least most) characters in the main game seem to speak.

- Repeated words
...where Anna says 'die' several times over; where main char repeats 'things'.More generally, try to vary vocabulary to avoid jarring repetition, (it isn't always easy – I know this all too well.)

- Plot pacing
The story was quite hectic, with a lot of scene & music changes fit into limited amount of script – at least when comparing to the main game. If you plan on expanding this arc, consider extending the scenes rather than adding more of them – that is, of course, if the outcome feels right.

- Pacing of events within scenes
Make use of the Ren'Py pauses, etc. to guide the player to slow down wherever appropriate, and to let sounds (such as the door-opening fx when visiting Anna post-operation) play before dialogue / cr fade-ins kick in, as it would occur in real life.

- Body language (natural reactions & transitions)
You actually did this pretty well, I thought. There's always an extra level of polish you can apply, though. You could play your story and seeing if there are moments where, for example, Anna jumps too quickly from face-palming to smirking, or a character's expression doesn't update accordingly to what's been said. (This obviously happens more often when there are more than two characters in the frame, but sometimes it slips by even in a 1-on-1.)

- Emotional build-up, flow and release
Last but definitely not least. The final scene with Anna was reasonably tasteful and delightfully original, but then I got a slap in the face with the purring sounds being cut short, a terse 'A winner is you' message, and being thrown back onto the main screen.This kinda ties in with the pacing of events mentioned above. Again, play the mod and see how you feel about it all – as though you were watching a movie. Does the viewer get to savor the moment sufficiently (yet not so long as to become awkward)? How does the interest curve develop over the story? Etc.

There's a LOT that can be covered when it comes to art like this, and I probably just scratched the surface. That said, I hope this gives you ideas to work off in the future. I suppose a tl;dr would be: This is a great first version, that deserves care, refinement and polish to really come to its own. I shall try the Bryce one next, and – in general – I'm looking forward to more. :)

E: casual day-after edit for typos

EEEEEEEK!!!!! NEW MOD!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is Lorem not listed? He is a main character after all.

Originally posted by |MG| JeffMakesGames:

Why is Lorem not listed? He is a main character after all.

I believe he mentioned that he had no ideas for Lorem, so Lorem is a maybe for the future.

Originally posted by S3lvah:

There's a LOT that can be covered when it comes to art like this, and I probably just scratched the surface. That said, I hope this gives you ideas to work off in the future. I suppose a tl;dr would be: This is a great first version, that deserves care, refinement and polish to really come to its own. I shall try the Bryce one next, and – in general – I'm looking forward to more. :)

Here's a revised version of Anna's Aftermath. Let me know what you think :)

Here are some notes taken as I played through the new version. They are live reactions so they may appear as rude, inappropriate or otherwise unfitting.
They really shouldn't be but I thought a fair warning is always in order.

0. Feels much better overall so far. Yep. Much better indeed.
Also I can save and load at long last as well. Damn, this is nice.

1. "Came the human... human world." repeated use of words slip. :P

2. Typo in "nice moments with you...in case ..."

3. You are asking some uncomfortable questions, Anna. XD
It's all good fun though.

4. A bit too sappy at times, still. Kinda was hitting myself over it as well in my work tbh.

5. You might want to do something about the dialogue with the doc plot-wise. Like Anna's gonna die the next day, yet there's a risk they can't take?
You could, for example, refer to the fact that Mr./Ms.Doctor had sworn to follow the Hippocratic oath (to never cause harm to the patient by their action). Or that (s)he would get chewed out by their superiors in case (s)he'd cause death by her actions.
Then have MC argue that letting Anna die is no better than causing straight harm, and/or that they'd give the hospital staff hell via abusing their influence as an ambassador and savior of the city.
Just some royalty-free ideas for you.

6. Use some pauses between scene transitions?

7. Tense confusion is still a thing. Line: "Hopefully, it won't come to that, though."

8. Also you might want to dial down the use of parenthesis.

9. Checked the game files. Saw "remy_smirk". That's not a smirk, that's a James Bond villain grin as he's about to blow up Earth and fulfill his revenge against the humankind. D:

10. My pet peeve. Take it as you wish, since it's more of my personal thing. Listing character names when there's more than 2 of them. I mean, would you greet a group of your friends with "Hi, Bob, Mark, Jessica and Azimorth, the Destroyer of Worlds"?
You'd normally say something like "Hey, guys." and/or "Nice to see you, everyone." and/or "Hello, all!", etc. This might be a VN but those are still people talking.

11. "Damned if I know. The doctors haven't updated me, all they've said is they're doing their best."
This line is grinding my gears a bit with the amount of "they". I'd suggest "The doctors don't tell me much. All I've heard so far is that they are doing their best."
To avoid repeating "heard" the next line could go "I felt my words choke up in my throat as I spoke which wasn't left unnoticed by everyone around me. I sat down for a moment to compose myself."

12. Also during that talk maybe you could make Amely turn sad as talks progress? I mean she might not understand much, but everyone is looking pretty sad, yet she's constantly smiling. Adorable little psychopath.
Then switch her back to smiling once atmosphere lights up again.

13. I don't think city-state is using executions though. IIRC in vanilla MC said that they are just kicking out everyone dangerous for the society.

14. Aw, how cute. A kiss between Adine and Remy.

15. "You don't think I've been thinking about this ever since the first time I heard you had cancer?"
You might need to rework this with "think" repeating.

16. Well, that's a fresh twist. Though "She was suffering." bit feels like more of a statement of obvious.

17. I like dem fresh twists, even if it's something as simple as "It was just a dream".

18. Hm, I am not a doctor myself, but I think serious surgery might take more than just a day to recover from, even in the year of 20XX.
It would be just a minor change in narrative and fluff text anyway.

19. *those WERE probably the most nerve-wracking six hours...(?)
Idk... I need S3lvah's opition on that. XD
Though, "hours" are in plural, I guess.

20. "you could have a happy ending--so that we"
I am not sure about the double dash.

21. I don't think Anna would have a concept of human currency value. Also the Earth is messed up, it's the year of 20XX, and hospitals still charge people?

22. "Money can be replaced. But, you can't."
I'd suggest "Money can be replaced. But nothing can replace you."

23. Name listing. Idk why it feels so wrong to me.

24. Sometimes I can't notice but feel that the text is a little naive.

25. Yay. A new background.

26. Checked the code. Nice to see that you are using the "ats" prefix now. This should make compatibility easier.

27. I am not sure dragons would use the "big middle finger" expression. Most of them don't even have proper hands.

28. "...It seemed out of character for her..." feels a bit on the 4th wall breaking side, considering that it's more of a writing term, and we're in a VN.
Maybe use something like "It was so strange and unusual for her."?
It's all about personal preferences though.

29. Let readers savour the nice moment at the restaurant a little more? Give Anna some signs of attention and such?

30. Side note. Both you and I should prob. implement a feature from the original game which renames save files for easier navigation.

31. "...we're produce our own body heat..."
I think it's "we produce".
"Which months has..."
Have? Or a singular month?

32. "Hopefully your movies aren't as bad as most of our movies."
*"as most of ours" ?
With the following line "You must be quite picky."

33. Try and move Bryce out rather than have him dissipate in thin air and play the door sound at the same moment.
I DID pick the "Paranormal Massacre (Horror)." though...

34. "This was the only timeline where Anna survived."
Hey, we can make cross-references in our mods, and that wouldn't be the case. I can make the code for it! XD
j/k
Well, not that I can, but that we should.
Though... I had the same thought. Like even in the original true ending we don't know if she gets cured D:

35. I sure as hell didn't miss seeing Anna's bloody dead body on the floor.

36. That's a pretty sweet scene with MC on Anna's chest.

37. Needs a slower transition to black when going into the movie time skip.
Maybe even kill the BG music for a time or change it temporarily depending on the movie type chosen?
Also give Anna a small hug or something after the horror. She's scared.

38. Oh c'mon. Give me some build up. You can't just dump "I love you." on me. This isn't "Dawn of the Dragon" XD

39. Oooh. Fancy. A darken effect. I am sooooo gonna stea... I mean borrow this idea for something.

40. I see you too respect our lord and savior RNGesus.

41. "I got chills from it, but in a good way."
Hm... this line really feels off. At least to me personally tbh.

42. After "Of course I did." bit. I feel like maybe Anna should've said something as well?

Well, that's quite a list. Might be a bit raw and rough around the edges though, so read at your own peril.
Overall it was good fun, and I've noticed a major improvement in general writing. So, keep up the good work, but try and not burn yourself out. Trust me, it's not pretty.

> Mod tested by:
> EvilChaosKnight
Those are some big words to describe what I've done. XD
I honestly don't think I've done enough to warrant a place in credits. Well, maybe besides dem sprites.

Also you might wanna disable the pause and menu when the credits roll in.