All of Ellis' stories, but with a Touhou twist. Because I just couldn't help myself.



"Man I love malls. I do! Once I was in this mall up in the Heavens and these guys were dancing for like money and stuff and my friend Iku and I were like-" (Tenshi, sweety, can this wait?)

"Jimmy Gibbs Jr is the man! I mean, I don't know anybody like that man, but there is this girl I know and she raced on dirt tracks, not Stock Cars you know but horse races, and she was racing once and then a goat-" (Tenshi, is now the best time?) "Ok, but there was a goat."

"I knew this guy who was trying to set the world record for staying on a flying boat, he'd been up there for like 2 days or something and he wanted some sake and they weren't giving him any so he got this rope, and don't ask me where he got the rope from and-" (Girl, you are wearing me out)

"Man all this mud reminds me of my friend Shion, yeah she was gonna build a shack once, to live in and all. And I know most people build houses and then they become shacks, but Shion, she was about skipping right to the shack stage. But she had no wood, and axes just kind of break when she tries to use them so she got some mud and was making what we were all thinking was going to be these Adobe bricks you know like when the people over in the West made bricks and ****, well she had mud and-" (We ain't got time for this Tenshi)

"I haven't ever been in a Sugar Cane field before, I mean I've seen them and all, but no real reason to go into one. But you go into a Sunflower Field and there's all sorts of cool ****, this one time I was in a-" ((Half-hearted) Uh-huh...)

"Do you know what "suck the heads" means? Cause I came down to the village once with Shion and she didn't know and... I mean it isn't anything bad, It's about eating."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Shion and I made fireworks? Now I don't know **** about chemistry but Shion figured Gasoline burns doesn't it? Heh, 2 minutes later and she had 3rd degree burns on 95% of her body, man people from all the way down in old hell were calling to complain about the smell of burning skin."

"Did I ever tell you about the time Shion tried to deep fry a turkey? 3rd degree burns over 90% of her body. Man, Eirin called up every other doctor she knew to come look at her cause they'd never seen burns on top of existing burns."

"I ever tell about the time my buddy Shion drove a car off a cliff and broke both her legs? Now it's not so much a "funny haha" story as much as it's a "make you think" story. For instance, Kappa designed wind-shields look pretty durable right? Not the case according to Shion, poor b-word flew right through that sucker."

"My buddy Shion lived in a graveyard once for a whole year. It wasn't a dare or nothing she just got kicked out of her house, again... she said she never saw a single ghost except for this one time when a ghost stabbed her from behind and she might have just been a gardener or something cause she had this green maid outfit and smelled like mowed grass."

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion got rolled by a mermaid in a lake? Man she didn't agonize her or nothing, we were just trying to grab 2 random yokai so we could piss them off and get them into a fight, well anyway the 3rd time Shion went under I realized something was wrong, so I-" (You know what I like best about your stories Tenshi? The sound they make when they stop)

"Did I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion almost drowned in the Tunnel of Love? You wouldn't think it could happen cause the water's so shallow, but that's how it gets you man, overconfidence. Shion was with this pale girl with wings at the time and she was yelling for her to save her but they didn't want to get wet."

"Did I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion and I snuck paint-ball guns onto a Roller Coaster? I've never heard about anyone else doing it, even in the outside world, so I thought we just invented a sport so Shion called up Yukari's office but-" ((Hey Tenshi, how about you tell this story to Nick.) (What!?))

"I ever tell you about the time me and Shion made home-made bumper cars with riding mowers we borrowed from peoples' backyards? Mower blade wounds on 90% of her body, I didn't run her over either, she somehow managed to fall under her own."

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion fell off a Roller Coaster? Yeah she didn't drop far mind you, just onto the tracks but the Kappas wouldn't stop the ride because all the other people paid good money and Shion snuck on for free, so she had to dodge for like 20 minutes or so."

"One time, the Rabbits bombed my buddy Shion. She went camping and didn't bother the read the signs and I guess they were just testing bombs that day, all sorts of stuff too not just regular bombs, like biological nerve gas bombs, shrapnel bombs, these bombs that break up in the air into like 100 smaller bombs..." (Hey Tenshi? Shutting up contest, 1,2,3 go!)

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion fell down an open man-hole? She was unconscious down there for like a week, during that time unbeknownst to Shion, they paved over her. Shion had to-" (Jesus, is there a Witch nearby we can piss off?)

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion and I were on the top of a burning building, and we had to fight our way down like 5 floors of zombies and- Wait a sec... I guess that was you guys, ah **** man, I can't wait to tell Shion about that one!"

"I ever tell about the time me and Shion filled up water balloons with our own-" (Insert random interrupt phrase from all 3 of the others.)

"This one time my buddy Shion, on a dare, got a tattoo. "I'm a moron", right across her forehead man. Course she made like 20,000 yen off that so you ask yourself, who's the real moron?"

"This one time my buddy Shion started up this historic tour, on account of her sister taking her to Colonial Williamsburg, and it's like a license to print money at those places. Now you might ask yourself how an honest attempt to recreate the majesty of colonial times turned into fairy fights at 50 yen a pop in the Hakurei shrine's backyard, and the answer to that particular question is that Shion was squatting with the shrine maiden at the time and her being an a-hole and not letting her do it anywhere but the backyard, well add that to Shion technically didn't exactly have any, you know, history to put on display. But she did have these 3 fairies that got caught in one their own pranks down by the gate, and you begin to understand."

"You know my buddy Shion had a car drop in a lake from a bridge just like this one here. Yeah the kappas just finished making it one night and she was driving over it and there in the middle of the bridge was what looked to Shion's estimation like a dead bear so Shion gets out of her car to find a stick to poke at it right, well it turns out, it's just some lady's fur coat that must have fallen out of her car so hey, free coat right? Now, Man-Eaters don't normally attack other yokai or gods or the like, but in this case they were hungry and that made them reckless man. Shion reckons they must have been there for hours watching what they thought was a bear carcass cause as soon as she picked it up, that yokai had teeth in her an inch deep. Well Shion figures her best bet is to jump in the lake cause most yokai can't swim, well this one could. She fought them for like 20 minutes treading water and during that time a malfunctioning mech came by, ran into the bridge and down went Shion's car. Man sometimes nature's just trying to teach us, if we'd only listen."

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion made sushi? Yeah I took her to a sushi place for her birthday and she didn't want to go but it turned out, she LOVED it man, but it's like 1,000 yen a su-show at one of them places, so Shion figured, how hard could it be to roll up some raw food and seaweed right? As it turns out, it's hard, now they say experience is the best teacher and experience taught Shion that if you ever eat 3 pounds of raw chicken, it kills you. Now luckily Shion's brain went into self-defense mode and started shutting organs down to head the chicken off at the pass, and the doctors were able to get it out before her heart stopped. But to this day, Shion has no sensation in her right foot, and doesn't recognize her sister Jo'on no more."

"Hey ya'll! Yeah I like this bridge you got. You know, this reminds me my buddy Shion and I were once on a bridge just like this man, well... kinda I mean I was on the bridge and Shion was sure she could jump the river without the bridge, so I raised the bridge and well... Did you know ox-carts could float? I mean, for a little while at least?"

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion got married? Course not, that's a trick question, she never got married, you know you hear about them run away brides right? And on her wedding day... it all started when-" (Tenshi, if I listen to this, will it be the last one?)

"I ever tell you about the time my buddy Shion snuck into a wedding? She thought she was being smart getting all dressed up and like, but it seems the preacher wasn't there and they all thought she was the preacher and well... she married them the best she could, I think that counts for them being married but, I don't know, maybe not."



I already typed down the one about the crows in the comments. For those of you who actually bothered to read through all these. I hope you all have a nice day.