"Hey guys, Turtle Rock Studios here. From the Makers of L4D™️, THAT WE TOTALLY MADE BY OURSELVES WITH ZERO INPUT FROM VALVE, we bring you a whole new way to experience the zombie apocalypse! We've got...

- Identical looking special-infected! Because having distinct audio cues and silhouettes for each special to tell which is which are for pansies!

- Separated Ammo piles! Forget having one size fits all, if you spray too much with a gun you like or want to use, you're gonna LEFT 2 DIE when our RNG-er AI DIRECTOR™️ doesn't give you more!

- Interesting and diverse characters! Who needs realistic, relatable characters when you can have full-blown stereotypes or cartoon ones that are more quirky and FUN!

- Zero ambience or sound noise! In a zombie apocalypse, you want to experience NON-STOP ACTION, so we did away with having any and all music save for level cuts and game completed sequences! Who needs 'em anyway?!

- CARD DECKS! We most certainly won't monetize card decks on release, given we're not run by greedy publishers who are interested only in PROFITS! don't mention supply points

- Linear level design! Screw venturing off to find hidden loot or attachments! If you do, you're gonna need to buy tool kits to break into rooms! Beyond that, you need to follow the established path with your fellow cleaners or you'll be LEFT 4 DEAD! THAT'S THE GAME WE MADE AND ARE SUCCEEDING!!!

- More weapon variety! More guns are always fun! Even if they marginally different with barely noticeable upsides from the other! They're just there to LOOK COOL!

- CHARACTER BONUSES! If you like being a healslut, you're gonna LOVE Doc! Or if you just want to be a total badass, pick the Tumbl-*COUGH*, er Karlee who senses danger! Maybe you wanna be a rushing loser, go and pick Zo-*AHEM*, Holly!

- NO FLASHLIGHTS! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU F#%KING LOSERS, YOU CAN'T EVEN TOGGLE YOUR FLASHLIGHT, GOOD LUCK SEEING IN THE DARK NOW! for that added HORROR EXPERIENCE™️.

- AI teammates! Our former publish, Valve Studios, insisted we have BETTER AI! Well, how about 'no'?! Instead, you get to be the master of your own destiny! God help you because our AI won't!

- Corruption Cards! How about a horde of Tallboys only at the start that'll eat bullets like it ain't nothing on the FIRST MAP!? Or how about heavy mist so you can't see any threats that'll jump on your ass!? ...Wait, you don't like that? Well, sucks to be you, bucko. Our beta's finished, so the game is finished.

- NO MODDER CONTENT! Who needs individuals providing high quality, free mods when we, the MAKERS OF LEFT 4 DEAD™️ can add all of that FOR YOU!?! Ain't that GREAT that we care so much, WE GET TO DECIDE WHAT GETS IN THE GAME! AND HOW MUCH WE CAN CHARGE YOU FOR IT!?

And ALL OF THIS can be yours for the low, low price of just SIXTY DOLLARS U.S.!!! But Wait! Why not give more to us, the ones that defined the genre of ZOMBIE SHOOTERS, more money with PRE-ORDER DELUXE at only $90?! And if you are already gearing to give us your money, you can get the ULTIMATE EDITION FOR THE BARGAIN PRICE OF $100 DOLLARS! That's only three digits if you leave out the cents!

SO WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?! LEFT 4 DEAD 3?! WELL, THIS IS AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE GONNA GET!!! ORDER NOW!!!"