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2. That's the war exhaustion for you. While you were fighting, the population of your empire got more and more drained by the toils of war, until it could no longer support it.
3. War exhaustion is calculated based on objective and relevant factors: casualties, fiefs lost, villages razed. The fact that you had more war exhaustion than your enemy means you've lost this war.
Am I the only one that takes an influence hit, or do the rest of the lords as well? Would make sense if they too suffered some penalties since they share responsibility as well.
It would make sense for some lords in my kingdom to also recognize war exhaustion, and to request I sue for peace when it begins to get too high due to the fact that the population is drained by the toils of war. At least to make it to where, when this happens, the influence cost of overriding everyone's vote costs less influence than losing from war exhaustion. It would then be up to whether or not I like the tribute terms, and whether or not I want to lose that amount of influence.
I think early to mid game what I am complaining about isn't really an issue as lords are more likely to want peace and accept tribute payments. But late game when your kingdom becomes big and powerful, lords just stop wanting to make peace with anyone. In my most recent session I was at war with almost everyone, leading to us being heavily raided and facing around 5 sieges at once. There was only 49% support for making peace with a single kingdom, which cost me a bunch of my little remaining influence. Our war exhaustion is high with everyone else now, so I fear I will have tons of negative influence soon.
So far Diplomacy tried it's best to stay away from the vanilla logic that determines peace or war tendencies. But your points are valid here. I'll think what we can do.