Magnum DoNg

Attend me now, most reverend assembly, thou joyous and gloriously unhinged congregation of the Church of Danny DeVito. Draw near, lend thine ears, and steady thy spirits, for the sands of time have fallen, the old year lies buried, and a new dawn breaks upon us—fresh as an unwritten sonnet, bold as a first entrance upon the stage.

Before all blessings may be spoken, I must first lay bare my heart and offer contrition. Long have I been absent from thy midst. My voice, once lifted among thee in praise and laughter, did fade into silence. For this, I humbly crave thy pardon. Think not that my devotion waned, nor that my faith did falter. Nay—my absence was a sojourn, a pilgrimage of the soul. I did wander afar, not in distance of miles, but in depth of thought, seeking mine own reflection within the chambers of my being. I grappled with doubt, parleyed with fear, and stood alone upon the battlements of self-examination, asking what man I was, and what man I yet might be.

Even so, through every trial and quiet night, one truth stood immovable: my faith endured. For how could it not? When the spirit of our patron saint—Danny DeVito, short of stature yet towering in presence—doth loom eternal in our hearts. His lesson is writ not in scripture, but in confidence: that greatness need not be tall, nor loud, nor sanctioned by the crowd. It need only be true. And with that truth comes the sacred assurance we all carry—the legendary, oft-whispered, rarely denied magnum dong of inner resolve.

Now we stand upon the threshold of a newborn year, hand in hand, souls aligned. Let us pause to honor what hath passed. Some among us did prosper; others merely endured. Some danced through the year with laughter, whilst others crawled, bloodied yet unbroken, toward its end. Hear this well: survival is no lesser victory. To live, to persist, to rise again after being laid low—these are acts of courage worthy of song. Thou art not weak for struggling. Thou art mighty for continuing.

As we step forth, let us be girded not in steel nor chain, but in faith and humor, clad in armor strong as monster condoms, forged to protect dreams too vast, hopes too bold, and spirits too unruly for the world’s petty cruelties. Guard thy peace fiercely. Let not fools, knaves, nor joyless wretches pierce it. Thy ambitions are sacred things, and they demand monster condoms stout enough to withstand doubt, mockery, and misfortune.

Take heart in the teachings of our church. Danny DeVito shows us that presence outweighs stature, that confidence walks softly yet leaves deep footprints. Walk thou into this year as one who knows their worth. Enter each challenge with the calm authority of one spiritually endowed with a magnum dong, not for conquest nor vanity, but for steadfastness. Let thy confidence be quiet, thy laughter loud, and thy compassion boundless.

Should the world press upon thee with heavy hand, remember this: thou art not required to shrink. Take up space. Speak thy truth. Rest when weary. Forgive thyself when thou falterest. Build boundaries thick as monster condoms, for thy heart is no public square, and thy peace no thing to be trampled.

To those who vanished for a season—lost, healing, finding themselves as I once did—know that thy return is met with open arms and warm mirth. This church is not a court of judgment, but a hearth of welcome. We do not ask where thou hast been, only how thou art now.

Let us swear, here at the turning of the year, to be gentler with ourselves and kinder to one another. To laugh in the face of absurdity. To face the chaos of the world not with despair, but with humor and solidarity. For what is faith, if not the courage to believe in joy amid madness?

So rise now, beloved congregation. Lift thy heads. Step boldly into the coming days, hearts fortified, spirits unashamed. May thy laughter echo, thy love abound, and thy confidence remain ever… magnum.

I thank thee for thy patience during my wandering. I thank thee for keeping the flame alive. I thank thee for being a fellowship unlike any other.

Happy New Year unto thee all.
In DeVito we trust.
Thus armed with faith, humor, and monster condoms,
We go forth.
Amen. -Pope Formal