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Well, you warned that it would be immature. The humor is childish and silly, but you have a talent for smooth, seamless transitions in your storytelling. All the triggers are working properly--I can't find any bugs. This is one of the more enjoyable UGCs available.
Chapter 1 was insanely epic. ;) Who needs the 4th wall, anyhow? xD
I too hope you find the time and motivation to complete this.