Fine. Dummkopfs*.
I hate SteamGuard. It's keeping me from copy-pasting the joke guide intro... *sigh*.

Anyway, this is the REAL guide for the evolutionary tree of medics. I've been getting a lot of hate mail about how it's too short or "you missed this" (some of which I did legitimately miss). So enjoy this one, and READ THE CONCLUSION OF THE LAST! OMG PEOPLE!


On a completely unrelated note, I just finished Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney! Great game, go check it out, and no I'm not sponsored by Capcom. *shifts eyes back and forth* Totally... (I wish I was. That would make me some money at least. So many great games to buy!)

Ah, noob medics... So misunderstood, and so predictable.

Hey! Copy-paste worked this time! Sweet! Anyway, Noob Medics pocket Heavies. Done. No one else, no ubers, nothing. Hold left click on a Heavy.

Scenario: You see a Heavy come around a corner into a sticky trap that should barely kill him, but he lives. You see a heal beam, but despite his patient having 30 health, no uber happens. You kill them both.

Loadout:
Stock

Location: Behind the resident Heavy.

Advantages: Heavy is ridiculously strong.

Disadvantages: A lack of Ubercharging, splash damage, and powerful strikes on the patient.

How to beat them: Whale away on either them or their patient (crockets advised for patient).

Too much trouble for his station. And then the Uber happens.

Acolyte Medics are your average, everyday medic. Not a lot of people use the class as a primary or secondary pick, so these are the guys who see the team needs a medic and resists the urge to go as the seventh sniper (aka me on an average team). Anyway, they're competent and caring, but they haven't quite nailed down the uber timing or teammate selection yet. Sure, they'll pick the burning teammate over the low health heavy, but they haven't yet learned to heal the scout over the heavy. The heavy has over twice the health at the same pecentage gone. Heal the fragile classes and work your way up. Also, that way, when you build Uber, you'll be healing the heavy.

Scenario: You, as a BLU spy, see a RED medic near the front lines of the battle healing multiple teammates with the Kritzkreig. He charges with a Soldier, but Ubers a little too late, the solly's emptied his clip. You uncloak, stab the medic, and get away safely.

Loadout:
Stock/Blut
Preference
Newest Found

Location: Varied, favors Atk/Def maps

Advantages: Acolyte Medics are flexible in playstyle and willing to not jam their medi gun up their heavy's rectum.

Disadvantages: They're still learnng, so Uber timings, heal choice, and Uber class choice are all spotty.

How to beat them: Mostly, they'll end up walking into a sentry. Otherwise, blitz past their patient and nail them.

Well, here we are again (it's always such a pleasure) *Starts singing Portal 2 theme*

Oops. Anyway, we all know the drill here (hopefully).

Do you, as a Medic:

Work on Uber timings and heal choices? Epic Medic.

Sit around and act productive? Lazy Medic.

Annoy everyone? Medick.

Learn how to fight? Battle Medic/Combat Medic (important distinction).

Know it all? Uber-pro Medic.

Uhh... I'm not sure I want to see him...

Epic Medics. The bane of all teammates while still in the learning stages. This guy is the quickest to become an Uber-pro Medic, but for him, conditions must be PERFECT. He will not Uber unless he can waste as little of it as possible, and he sticks firmly to the heal pattern, but ignoring those with Jarate or bleeding effects imposed on them. He's absolutely awful his first few tries, and he keeps getting kicked until he gets good (Uber-pro Medic level). However, they may get too caught up in the moment to think about their decisions.

Scenario: You, as a RED Engie, see an overhealed Demo round a corner. Just as he has about 20 health left, he gets Ubered. Er, Kritzed. He dies and his medic retreats.

Loadout:
Any
Any but Quick Fix.
Ubersaw/Vitasaw.

Location: Behind the main battle, near enemy spy territory. No map preference.

Advantages: Perfect timing and heal selection.

Disadvantages: A lack of general awareness and getting mad at teammates when he messes up.

How to beat him: Spies or non-Machina Snipers that suprise him.

This happens WAY TOO OFTEN. STOP IT SCOUTS #REMOVESCOUTMEDICCALL2014.

Lazy Medics don't really heal or fight. They just kinda sit there. Sure, they give the occasional 1-second heal, and even more rarely, an Uber, but they mostly exist to keep the team from complaining "We need a Medic! Someone go Medic!".

Scenario: You hear a Medic, confirmed to have a stock Medi Gun, shout "Fully Charged". Yet no Uber comes to destroy your precious 8 sentries (seriously, Dustbowl sentries OP). Never. He doesn't die, either. It's odd. Oh well, you win.

Loadout:
Does it matter?

Location:
Usually camped next to a friendly Dispenser.

Advantages:
Really long life times, causes enemies to worry about Ubers.

Disadvantages:
Is probably asleep.

How to beat them:
No reason to do so.

No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*gasp*OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Well. That's quite a scroll! Anyway, Medicks (more commonly known as Angry Medics or Troll Medics) hate your guts. They'll do anything in their power to troll you. Uber you, then remove it as you go to attack the enemy. Those guys.

Scenario:
N/A

Loadout:
Whatever trolls the most.

Location:
Near angry teammates.

Advantages:
None.

Disadvantages:
Trolololololol

How to beat them:
They'll get kicked, don't worry.

Such a common misperception.

Battle Medics ONLY attack, but once they get bored they partially evolve into Combat Medics.

Scenario: A medic, with any melee, charges straight into a Solly, ducking, jumping, serpentining, and otherwise dodging. He starts beating the crap out of the solly, but dies when the solly backs away and lands a random crocket. Oh well. He proceeds to repeat this 50 or so times that match before rage quitting.

Loadout:
Blut
Stock
Ubersaw/Stock/Solemn Vow

Location:
At the front of the battle, fighting.

Advantages:
Probably the most useful medic combat-wise in the game.

Disadvantages:
Dies WAY too often.

How to beat them:
Act like they're a standard Demoman, and you should be fine.

The best thing that your team could ever have. Ever.

Well, minus the standard bonesaw. Always the Ubersaw. Anyway, Uber-Pro Medics are the most amazing person on the team. They can heal multiple targets without letting anyone die, they can fight their way out of brawls, they can uber at the perfect moment, and have mastered the art of uber-sharing. Basically, they've had lots of practice.

Scenario: You push out at an enemy force once a random crocket has thinned their numbers and health. Then, the Heavy your team was shooting at gets Ubered, so you just switch to the Scout. But he's ubered too. In fact, every shot gets deflected perfectly by a millisecond of Uber. Your team gets destroyed, and the Uber-Pro medic heals the attackers back to full health.

Loadout:
Choice
Medigun/Kritzkrieg if required
Ubersaw

Position: Right behind the main attacking or defending body.

Advantages: He's almost unbeatable in combat, and his patients are always happy and healthy.

Disadvantages: The sheer number of teammates he has will overextend him, and you can catch him off guard with multiple, smaller attacks on different groups.

How to beat him: Flanking and hitting multiple groups of teammates.

Medican:

A pelican Medic, attached to a Demo or Solly via the Quick Fix. Hilarious for Skeet Shoot Snipers.


Super Medic And Healing Boy:

Also known as Chain Uberers. They don't last long, sicne arguments about who's Super Medic often break out.

6 down, and only tres to go. I love this series, and I want to keep writing! Join my group for a full list of my guides (look under Announcements and stop asking for Spy), give me more ideas to write about, and generally enjoy the fun environment! Here's the link.
https://steamhost.cn/steamcommunity_com/groups/tipstrickssubclasses

Also, If you missed my last guide, I'll post the last two here.
https://steamhost.cn/steamcommunity_com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=257220045
https://steamhost.cn/steamcommunity_com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=246995462

Oh. Oops. Next class is Heavy.