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The Cardboard Cutter

Pizza: tasty, cheesy, and most importantly, lovingly nestled in a cardboard cradle. Expensive computer? Comes in cardboard. Hatsune miku cutout? Cardboard as well. If you love it, the only way to truly protect it is to encase it in a mighty layer of cardboard. So look your captain in the eyes, stare deep into them, and ask him if he loves you. Then steal his credit card, and buy him the newest innovation in affordable technology: the Cardboard Cutter.

Made from pure cardboardium, the Cardboard Cutter's hull is mind-blowing. Featuring water tolerance, a fantastic price point, and the thinnest walls you've ever seen in your life, the Cardboard Cutter is unmatched in floorspace per mark. Where other submarines are weighed down with unnecessary parts and hundreds of tons of concrete hull, the sleek shell of the Cardboard Cutter will have you saying "Wow, ... !" The new Deluxe Edition further features Razor Thin™ reinforced windows, so that when the wildlife catches the fresh scent of pressure-treated wood pulp full of motion sick clowns roaring across the open ocean, you can give them a wink as you pass by.

But let's talk guns. This is Europa, and we all know your Captain will do a breakneck turn just to aim the guns at the first sign of life on his radar. The Cardboard Cutter has five guns on it, three of which are mounted outside the sub. The two internal guns are dual supercharged spine-mounted chainguns, preaimed directly at the ship's most vulnerable point. With the press of a button, four red seconds of lead and hellfire saturate the airlock, vaporizing any matter directly in front. Above that button is a Flood button that engages our patented Waterfall™ ballast pumps. It also locks the controls at maximum downward velocity, allowing the Carboard Cutter to use its superior Cardboardium hull to bodyslam anything foolish enough to be hiding in the Abyss.

The open floorplan, and even more open ballast, allow for maximum traversibility. Between the climbable wiring, railing-free catwalks, and a cardboard fort to distract security officers, the Cardboard Cutter is the embodiement of freedom. And what says "freedom" more than fast food? That's right, each and every cardboard cutter contains a fully refurbished fast food court, salvaged from the tyrannical rule of Coalition territory. A little bit of safety foam, a few bottles of bleach, and you have a fully functioning medbay. Per our medical team's recommendation, we included a (medical) five thousand volt discharge coil. Kiss your depression goodbye, when this sucker is firing off a one hundred decibel lightning bolt directly into your hippocampus from across the room!