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Inside Joke Set 7

My friends and I frankly have too many ideas. We have an entire spreadsheet of loot ideas now, and they keep getting more and more esoteric. That said, here's 24 more loot items that will probably not make any sense, yet are still humorous. Don't mind the colored borders, they appear in all chests despite their colors. There are also 4 new potions included in the set!

Loot items included in the mod:

$1.50 Costco Hotdog + Drink Bundle: Your max HP is increased by 1. Deal 15% more damage. At the end of each battle, get 2 coins.

Chicken Bone: At the end of each battle, this item gets 1 charge. For each charge on this item, get 1 max HP but reduce your damage by 3%. This item's max charges is 5 in Cute/Normal, 4 in Hard, and 2 in Lunar.

:Nerd:: Your Primary's strength becomes ((lim(x->0) ((e^(4x)-1)/x))^4) - (((-8 * e^(i)) - lim (x->0) (-ln(1 + 2(e^(-x) - 1)) / x))), divided by the number of times it hits your target.

Throne of Lies: Your max HP is increased by 8. Deal 30% less damage. Every 10 seconds, take undodgeable damage and give allies besides yourself I HATE YOU* for 8 seconds. Starts battles on cooldown.
--I Hate You: Deal 30% more damage. Your debuffs deal 20% more damage.

Doug Dimmadome, Owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome: Deal 15% less damage. If you have 80 or more gold, deal 30% more damage instead.

Boar Vessel 600-500 BC Etruscan Ceramic: Get 1% more damage for every 6 coins you have. If you have 100 or more gold, your Special also deal 1% more damage for every coin you have.

Crazy Streamer's Onion Ring: Every time you deal damage, add a charge to this item (max. 5000). At the start of each battle, this item loses 250 charges. For every 25 charges on this item, deal 1% more damage and get 1 coin at the end of the battle.

Jerma Activates the Zohar: At the start of each battle, give all allies NEW WORLD*.
--New World: Damage from abilities is reduced by 30%. Damage from loot and debuffs is increased by 30%. Your Primary has a 10% chance to apply BREAK to all enemies when used. Your movement speed is reduced but mobility is increased.
--Break: Take 10% more damage. If damaged by a Secondary, apply TOPPLE*.
--Topple: Upon expiry, take 20 damage multiplied by the amount of times the afflicted foe took damage from abilities.

Missing Texture: On pickup, roll a 4-sided dice. This item's effect depends on the result:
1: At the start of battle, gain EXHAUST-STR*. Your Defensive deals 500 damage in an area around yourself when used.
2: At the start of battle, gain EXHAUST-DEX*. Your Primary deals 50 more damage and has a 10% chance to reset your Special.
3: At the start of battle, gain EXHAUST-INT*. Your Secondary deals 30 more damage and its GCD is reduced by 30%.
4: At the start of battle, gain EXHauST-DEF*. Your Special deals 100 more damage and grants 2 seconds of invulnerability when used.
--Exhaust-Str: You cannot use your Primary, Wears off after battle.
--Exhaust-Dex: You cannot use your Secondary. Wears off after battle.
--Exhaust-Int: You cannot use your Special. Wears off after battle.
--Exhaust-Def: You cannot use your Defensive. Wears off after battle.

Mint Condition Copy of Monsters, Inc. Scream Arena for the Nintendo Gamecube: Whenever you use your Secondary, you have a 10% chance to OMEGACHARGE it.

Doomsday Apparatus: On pickup, get 300 gold. The size of your attacks is increased by 20%. Your GCDs are increased by 1 second. Your movement speed is immensely reduced.

End Credits Mouse Pointer: Every 10 seconds, VANISH for 5 seconds and SUPERCHARGE your Secondary 3 times. Your Secondary's damage is increased by 10%. Your movement speed is slightly reduced. Starts battles on cooldown.

Blorpnax's Gloves: Every time you use your Primary, your Primary's attack size is permanently increased by 1% (max. 100%).

Petty Mimic: When you use your Primary, also shoot a normal arrow that deals 80 damage without randomized damage or critical hits. When you use your Secondary, also fire a horizontal laser of uncool that deals 50 damage and applies BURN. When you use your Special, also spew purple glitter that deals 70 damage 3 times and applies CURSE for 10 seconds. Your GCDs are increased by 0.2 seconds and your movement speed is slightly reduced.

99 Rules of Cool: Starts with 99 charges. Each time you deal damage with your Special, lose 1 charge. If this item has no charges, it gives the following effects:
-Your GCDs become 0.5 seconds.
-Your damage is increased by 40%.
-Your Primary inflicts FROSTBURN*.
-Your movement speed is moderately increased.
--Frostburn: Deals damage once per second. Upon wearing off, deals additional damage at 10x the strength.

Zorblax's Chaotic Spellbook: Your Primary, Secondary and Special gain 15 seconds of cooldown. Every second, cast a random spell.

The Book of Blobbie: Your max HP is increased by 1. You are immune to most debuffs. Every 20 seconds, standing still grants a random Blobb Body for 10 seconds.
--Blobb Body P: Deal 50% more damage with abilities.
--Blobb Body s: Your multi-hit abilities hit two additional times and your GCDs are reduced by 0.3 seconds.
--Blobb Body I: Your loot items and debuffs deal 80% more damage.

Religious Yian Garuga: Starts with 1 charge. Your max HP is increased by the amount of charges on this item. Your Primary applies a POISON whose strength is 20 times the number of charges on this item. At the start of battle, give all allies TRANQUILITY. At the end of battle, you have a 20% chance to add 1 charge to this item.

Damage Variance: Your max HP is increased by 20 in Cute/Normal/Hard and 15 in Lunar. When you take damage from sources other than this item, take 2-6 more damage.

The Gent of Tess: Your Primary applies BLEED. If you are a Spellsword, multiply the strength of the BLEED by 5 and your Primary SUPERCHARGES your Special 3 times.

Jarate: Your Defensive applies JARATE* on all opponents. If you are a Sniper, your Defensive also resets your Special 3 times.
--Jarate: Take 35% more damage.

Magik Chicken: Your Secondary deals 20% more damage and applies BLEED. If you are a Bruiser, your Secondary deals 40% less damage instead, but the number of times it hits is tripled.

Security Golem: At the start of each battle, give yourself RIDDLE*. If you are a Defender, your Defensive gives all allies RIDDLE*.
--Riddle: 20% chance to shield you from damage. Wears off after successfully shielding.

Mad King's Essence: Your Special deals 80% more damage, but inflicts you with TIMESTOP for 3 seconds. If you are an Ancient, you are immune to most debuffs.


Potions added by this mod:

EXP Potion: Gain 50 exp at the end of battle, and 50 more exp after the stage boss. Lasts until the next stage.

Potion Seller's Strongest Potion: Using your Defensive gives you Berserk and Blackstrike for 4 seconds. Take 2 damage after each battle. Lasts until the next stage.

Bluster's Benevolent Potion: After each battle, give allies besides yourself 3 coins. Lasts until the next stage.

Recall Potion: When you use your Secondary, gain brief invulnerability and leap towards the target. Lasts until the next stage.

Chinese translation once again generously provided by 千草allin.