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Ben and ED Ellis Hat

"I ever tell you 'bout the time me and my buddy Ed first met? Man, we were holed-up in the Great Lakes mall, barricadin' the hell outta the pretzel stand in the middle of the food court. All of a sudden, this zombie starts whimpering from behind the counter of the Pizza Hut a few stalls over. He must not've liked pizza very much, 'cause he just stood there with the biggest frown runnin' across his face. He didn't move or nothin', just stood there lookin' at me. Maybe the pizza ran out or somethin'. I dunno much about that, but he seemed pretty joyed when I took down part of our barricade, walked over to his stand, and gave him one of the last cinnamon pretzels in the mall. Anyway, I gave him one of Keith's Mossbergs, and taught him to shoot pretty well. Except for the hole he made in Keith's foot, but we got that all taken care of in a jiff'. Even got him to help us take care of some of the zombies outside. From that point on, I knew Ed and I was gonna be thick-as-thieves.

Time passes, and Ed, Keith, and I found this golden Hummer which was parked out in some dude's driveway. No garage or nothin'. Well, there was a garage, but he decided not to use it, which was probably the best decision he ever made. Besides buyin' the damn ride in the first place. Anyway, Keith finds a duffel bag in the back of the car stocked to the brim with guns! We was firin' them up in the air for a solid four minutes, just about. Up front, though, Ed was a bit preoccupied with a pair of hands attached to the steering wheel. He picked one up, and went in to take a big chomp outta the damn thing, straight outta the thumb! Turns out, the hand must not've been the healthiest, or at least the tastiest snack for Ed, 'cause he ended up getting sick or something after he was done. Keith and I tried to rush him to the hospital further into the city, but, just as we was pullin' into the front doors, we remembered there aren't any doctors no more, so we couldn't find him proper treatment.

Keith and I decided we had to put him down later that night. I couldn't bring myself to do it, so I tried to tell Ed that maybe he could do it, instead. I think he looked kinda confused, or something. 'Course, maybe that was just the sickness movin' across his face. Keith didn't seem like he was too keen on waitin' for our buddy to bite the dust, so he decided to demonstrate to Ed how he was supposed to do it. Keith took the shotgun from Ed's hands, put the barrel in his own mouth and pulled the trigger.
That was the last time I ever saw my buddy Keith.

Mostly due to the fact that my entire face was covered in all his nasty brain matter. He musta forgot it was loaded, or somethin'. After wiping out my eyes, Ed and I just kinda stood there, passin' glances for a good minute in silence. I sighed, walked over, and took the shotgun from my buddy Keith's hands. I turned to face Ed the zombie, and reluctantly lifted the barrel. I started to sob. I looked straight into his un-dead eyes, and saw him lookin' back at me. He started to moan somethin' in 'zombie', I think. Sounded like somewhere in there, his gums flapped, "Shrek". I wiped my tears, put the barrel up to his zombie forehead, and said, "Yeah, man.. Shrek.."
I pulled the trigger, splattering my buddy's head against this big ol' rock. I lost two of my best pals that night."

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