For ease, I will underline changed parts and strikeout things I think should be removed. Comments in italics. Let me know if this format doesn't work well. If I don't underline it, then I wouldn't copy over those differences, since It's easy for me to typo here.

Intro

0) Title screen is not named yet (maybe there's just no name yet).

1) Inconsistent capitalization for each new line - it seems like a poem maybe, so perhaps it's OK to capitalize each line, but it should be consistent. I'm not a big poetry fan, so I had to look it up:

http://www.public.asu.edu/~aarios/resourcebank/capitalizing/

"Capitalizing the first letter of each beginning word in a line of poetry is traditional, if not contemporary and common. Historically, this is how poetry has been distinguished from other art forms when rendered on the page, and writing it this way is still often taught in elementary and secondary schools."

I'm not much for poetry as I said, but here's some suggested changes.

When the sun goes down
And the sky is pitch blackfull of dark...

There is a soul watchingwhispering
Eyes lit with a spark that others lack
With an eye, lit with a spark...

When the stars twinkle
And the world is wrapped
In the moon's silvery glow..

A character is taking lives
With a heart as cold as of snow...

*"Character" may not be the best word here, but I don't have enough context yet, it could be fine.

But know she is trapped
Inside a self-made cage...

*The second line doesn't flow well, it needs an adjective to lengthen the line. I have no idea what is appropriate yet - any two syllable adjective will make the flow better.

Only to be released
When she comes to an age...

[*I don't know the context yet. If it's comes to an age, then that implies that there will be an era where she is freed, If it's comes of age then it implies that she matures somehow.[/i]

1) "Ohh... Crap I'm going to be late!

2) (I hope they won't give me detention,)
Apparently puncuation goes inside of parenthesis if that's the entire sentence and outside of it if it's only part of a sentence. I guess you learn something everyday - or today at least >_>

Map observation:

1) The shadows of the red roofed buildings may not be going high enough.
2) It may be nice to have events if the player tries to leave the map "I'm in enough trouble being late as it is."

In classroom:

Looking at book in lower right (You talk with a random character you haven't been introduced to yet if you look at the book before triggering the teacher conversation - you could either add a switch, or add a one-time autorun event to force the character to talk to the teacher when entering the room for the first time).

1) Too bad I can't read!

Center bookshelf
1) (Reading, I hope we dohave that in class today.)
2) (Just some old books,)

Teacher student conversation:
1) Where exactly are we going?
2) That's a surprise!
3) Mr. John, could you at least tell us what we are supposed to do?
It's unusual, but not unprecedented, for students to address their teacher by their first name without some sort of honorific.
4) Just bring a happy face and some crackers for me, that's all you need.
5) Ohh my, the time is going by fast. Varina, could you please show the new kid around?"
6) So... what's your name?
I'm not sure how many o's will be appropriate here, so I think maybe using elipsis may be safer. "Soo" looked wrong to me.
7) I'm Clyff...
8) I'm Varina, but you already know that!
9) Well, I guess it's about that time.it comes by the time Let me show you around!

Walking around the classroom
1) Hello, I'm John! Why don't you go chat with the others?
The teacher doesn't need to introduce themselves as Mr. John, it would be expected for students to add a Mr. when addressing him - if he wanted to be addressed simply as "John", he would need to explain that here since it's unusual. "You can just call me John, no need to be formal in my class."

Back outside
1) Oh, it's a little windy outside.
2) The wind, can't you feel it?

Second door
1) It used to be more classrooms in there...
2) But I'm happy now that you've started at joined our school. I don't really have many much friends.
It feels like there should be another sentence inbetween these, the topic changed without a good transition


Bugs:
1) The kids disappear after the door event, and if you go back to the classroom, then the teacher is unresponsive
2) If you leave the classroom again, you get the wind event again, I would put a self-switch on it, and have the second page do nothing.

Outside of class NPCs
Alexander
1) Well that was an interesting conversation.

Earl
1) His name is Clyff, I think he's just a little shy that's all.
2) Know that feeling. Clyff, ask me if you just want anything!

Bug -
1) NPCs becomes completely unresponsive after you talk to them once. Giving a string of "..." would be better to indicate their silence better if that's intentional. A self switch for a second event page would take care of that.[/u]

Earl questions
1) Q1: Where are we going tomorrow?
A) Umm, where are we going ... tomorrow?
I don't think there should be a pause being going and tomorrow

B) Don't tell anyone, but I have? got a clue!
"got" here would imply that he found some physical evidence

C) But I won't share it with you. Sorry.
May be better with a period here. You use commas alot, it may be good to
alternate a little bit.

Q2: Where are all the students?
A) There is only usWe're the only ones. Many people have left
recently...
The part I struck may be ok grammatically(not sure), but it sounds weird to me.

Bug: there probably should be a "Nevermind" option. If you hit escape, Earl answers the second question, but you really just expect to cancel out of the dialog. Alternatively, I don't know if you could ignore cancel.

Going back into the class

1) Let's get back inside!

Back in the classroom

Letter in upper right

1) Don't... Go...

Teacher
1) Today's goal is to solve all of the problems in the math book to page eleven...
2) Now please everyone! Open your books.

Mountain transition screen

1) After a long school session day, the day had finally come reached to an end...
I used to get points deducted on papers for overuse of the same word over and over again. I think changing the first "day" to something else is preferrable.

2) Clyff had made some friends, although there were not very so many students at the school...

3) But who knows, maybe it was not over yet,
This may need to be changed. It doesn't make sense to me, what's not over?

After class

1) So what now?
2) Scared of any ghosts?
3) I will wait for you here, don't be in there too long!
4) When clyff says "Hardly", it may not fit in to the dialog well. How about, "Hopefully less..." instead.

Bugs(maybe)
1) It's a bit disconcerting that the NPCs disappear after the conversation.
2) The NPC outside of the second building doesn't say anything when you talk to it.
3) The teacher is still on the left side of the map, but doesn't say anything. You should change his graphic to be invisible, or maybe just erase his event.

In the old classrooms

1) Alex went in there one time...

Thanks for the audio message at the end, it was a nice touch 8)

Now I've fixed all the bugs and grammar fails.

Round 2 - start

Beginning poem
1) Moon's silvery glow..
Probably want three periods instead of two in the elipsis

In Clyff's house

1) Note: I thought Clyffi's mom was his little sister from the picture. I don't know if there's a good way to age the image a bit, or change the character's relationship.

2) (And I guess she haven't done breakfast either.)
(She let me sleep in ... and I bet I won't get any breakfast either.)

3) Bug: You get no message when talking to the mom from below. If you talk with the sink she'll tell you to go to schdol, but I don't know if that's intentional.

Outside of the school

1) Trying to leave right side of screen
(_I have no idea where this road leads.)
There's an extra space at the begiinning.
Also, these events only fire once. I would make the actor move back a step when they hit
the event.

Inside classroom

1) (Reading, I do hope we do have that in class today.)
It was potentially grammatically correct, but it sounded weird, so I'd move the "do"

2) Teacher "_Oh my the time is going..."
There's an extra space at the beginning

3) Bug: Varina get's cloned when she's added to your party (Varina is now following you text on the screen). You'll want to change the npc event to be transparent before adding her to the party.

4) Possible bug - the book in the lower right only gives text once.

5) Possible bug - When you leave the classroom, you can go immediately back inside, and skip much of the content. You can't leave again, but there's no message if you try. There probably needs to be some flag set when talking to someone outside.

outside classroom

1) Alexander - "Well that was an interesting conversation"
Missing a period

2) Probably a bug: Alexander is unresponsive after talking to him once.

3) Talking to Lydia - "Lydia, could you be a little more niceer?

4) Probably a bug: Lydia is unresponsive after talking to her once.

5) Maria is unresponsive after talking to her once.

6) Talking to Earl - "There's a cancel option, but it doesn't seem to be the default option. If you cancel the choice, you get a response about " We're the only ones..."

7) "We're the only onces. Many people have lef_ recently...
I think it ate the 't' of left. I wish it would word-wrap...

8) But I'm happy now that you've joined our school. I don't really have many friends.
Should be many instead of much

Back inside the classroom

1) "_Today's goal is to solve all of the problems in the math book to page eleven..."

Mountain picture after class

1) After a long school session, the day had finally com_ to an end..."
the 'e' got cut off from "come"

outside classroom - Talking about entering old classrooms

1) Clyff's sweat emoticon right before Earl says " No, a flying white blanket." seems to be in the wrong spot (it's to the right of Clyff and underneath Varina - no character is there.

Inside the old classrooms

1) Earl - "The air is a little bit chilly in here.
This should probably be "It's a bit chilly in here."

2) Searching the wardrobe: "(There are some strange claw marks on this wardrobe.)
Should be "are" instead of "is" because marks is plural.

3) (Looks like this building has taken some serious damage.)

4) Earl - "At last you are here, I was going to seriously freak out if you took much longer...:

"I am going to freak out soon" makes it seem like it's irrelevant if Clyff showed up or not

5) "Why? What is it?"
Clyff shoudl want to know why Earl is going to freak out

6) It looks like a little baby made them.
That doesn't sound right - here's a picture to illustrate

http://s1172.photobucket.com/user/silusrance/media/BabyClawMarks_zpse2c217a0.png.html

Are you thinking like a "small animal"?

7) Earl get's cloned when he joins your party.

8) When Earl leaves your party he disappears. I would make the npc event take his old location and make it visible before removing him from the party - This will make it look pretty natural I think.

9) I can't leave without you.
"without" should be one word

10) At the wall hole - "(This seems to be the only way she could have gotten out of this room.)
"have went" is never OK apparently, you can't have any other verb directly before "went"

11) When enetering the dark hold, you get a textbox with no text (could be because my window didn't have focus, so if you don't see this, don't worry about it).

12) Probably a bug- You can walk down into the darkness and walk around the "dirt" map.
Also, I think Clyff was facing south when he entered the map, but he should be facing north.

13) (I wonder which path I shold take.)
or
(I wonder which way I should go.)
Something seemed wrong with the "way"-"take" combination.

14) (She must be in here somewhere.)
"somewhere" is one word

15) Diary - "(I have to tell them what I found under the living rooms floor. I have to tell them!"
Capitalize "I", "Living room floor" doesn't need the possesive, although it might be OK if it did, but it would need an apostrophe. it's better without the possesive 's after room though.)

15) Diary - (They would just blame the murder on me and then...)

16) "I can't read the following letters rest."

17) Door - ",,, locked or something."
There's a missing close paranethesis on one of the sentences when checking out the door.

18) No too risky.

19) (I guess I'll have to try to open it.)

20) "What did you do in there?!" should probably be "Why were you in there?!" or "What were you doing in there?!" (The latter of which is really idiomatic for the former in this context - and is a common phrase which sounds good here).

21) I don't know, I guess I _must have passed out.
Looks like there's an extra space, but I could be wrong

22) Uhm... Let's get out of here before out parents get worried.

23) I would consider moving the teacher 1 tile more to the left - he's looking at a wall.

The text is getting much better 8)

Thanks! Updated aswell.

Round 3 - Hajime

In the poem
1) There is a soul watching
Eyes lit with a spark
That others lack...

You may want to consider spliting up the last sentence because it looks long compared to the other lines. This is minor though, feel free to ignore it if you disagree.

In the house

1) "You're not my mother!"

You shouldn't capitalize "mother" in this case. I had to look it up though.

http://dictionary.reference.com/help/faq/language/g71.html

2) No, that's true. But I am your sister so I have to look up after you.

"I am" isn't a contraction because it's not missing any letters. I does contract to "I'm"

3) The sister disappears after you yell at her. I don't know if that was intentional.

4) The bottles give the text "(Is mom a drinker?)" - I don't know if that should be updated to his sister or not (I assume he has no mother since he's a character in an RPG >_> ).

Outside of the classroom

1) Clyff, we should speak to our calssmates first.

2) Talking to Lydia "Lydia, could you be a little nicer?
That was my bad, I put an extra 'e' in my correction. Sorry about that.

3) Alexander "Hi there! I'm Alexander!
Needs an apostrophe

4) One of Alexander's sentences is missing a period (it may have gotten cutoff by the display).

5) Hitting escape when talking to Earl gives the response from option 2 rather than option 3.

In the old classrooms

1) When Clyff says "It looks like a human made them". Maybe it should be - "It looks as if those might be symbols/letters/pictures/hieroglyphs a person might make, but..." (I don't rememeber the rest of the setence, but it shouldn't look like a human made them because they are clawmarks, since humans don't have claws).

2) Earl, "I can't leave without you."
"without" is one word.

3) In the next room, you can immediately go south and walk along the black area. Probably should have an event to keep Clyff from entereing the black tiles.

Back in Clyff's house (If it's easier to switch the sister back to a Mom, that's probably fine - there are quite a few references to "Mom").

1) Sister "... I'll have to talk to that girl right now...
I've noticed that you sometimes mix up "now" and "know".
You should "know" that "now" is the time.
I don't know if some memory device like the previous sentence will help.

2) Clyff refers to his sister as his mom "Mom, school is waiting. I have to go!"
Could be "Sis",

3) "This conversation is not over young man!" I don't know if "young man" would be right from a sister unless she was significantly older.

4) "Mom, the window next to my bed is kind of cracked. Just so you know." Another reference to "Mom"

5) The mom becomes unresponsive, if you talk to her from above, you get the window dialog.

6) Food on the table "(But I should at least eat a little.)"
"at least" is two words

7) Food (cont.) - "(Mr. John won't be happy if I'm late again.)
Right part of sentence probably got cut off

8) Bag of crackers near the door - another reference to "Mom"

Back at the school

1) Teacher, "Has anyone seen Varina?[/u]
Should be "Has" instead of "Have".

2) Earl, "Or she could be made of sugar."
If she was made by sugar, then sugar would have assembled her. if she'd made of sugar maybe she melted in the rain?

After everyone has left

1) "(I'm pretty sure I heard Mr. John's voice down there.)"
possesive needs an apostrophe

2) "{I'd better get to the others.}
It should be I had better get to the others" instead of "I will better..."

Varina Ambush Screen

1) "Aww... Now you are going to freeze tonight.
"tonight" is one word

2) "Great! Then after school, I'll show you where I live."
I'd put an apostrophe after "school", also fix the spelling of "where" and capitalize the "I"

3) "I saw the others passing by just a minute ago. If we hurry we might catch up to them.

4) As strong as it needs to be to kill you at least!
"at least" is two words

5) "I could hold your hand if you want me to?"

6) The sign doesn't say any location for "To the West". Maybe this is "to be determined" (TBD).

7) You can ignore Mr. John and walk to the next map (which is probably fine), but you can walk back to the previous map.

Caught up with the rest

1) "Earl, are you sure that there is no way around this river?"
The "that" is probably optional. I'm not completely sure.

2) "Well I guess we have to get back to Mr. John and tell him."

3) "Yes and we need to find shelter, this rain is as cold as ice."
This is a comma splice. You could use a semi-colon instead, but that may be uncommon. A period may be the best option here. The "as" may be optional here " 'cause" someone may actually say it that way.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Independent_clause

4) Maria, "Happened?"
missing an 'e'

5) Maria "Yes, Earl cam out to me and told me to just go home."

6) "Sorry Clyff, but I'm not in the mood today."
I'd add a comma after Clyff - I think that would be considered an interjection

7) Varina to Alexander, "Maybe it was just too old."

8) Alexander, "No, it can't be. My father and I built this bridge together last summer."
I'd put a comma after the No. I've been ignoring commas that probably should have been added to some of the dialog, but I'll start pointing it out more often and may go back later. Commas are not the only options though in many cases.

9) "Someone must have destroyed it."
"One" must always write "someone" as one word, lest someone correct them." If for some reason you think that "some one" as two words might be right, try the sentence with "one" instead. I would never write "some one" even though it could techically be correct under rare circumstances.

Backtracking from broken bridge

1) Teacher, "Hehehe, that went easier than expected."
"Then" is for time, "than" is for comparison. He drank more "than" a drunken sailor, and "then" he passed out for no reason.

2) "The bridge is gone. We can't walk to the falls without it."
"without" is one word.

3) "(No. It can't be. Now we are stranded out here in the wild.)"
You need some punctuation after "Yes" or "No" when it starts a setence. If you believe cartoon superheroes, it should be a comma. I think it could also be a period or excalmation, but I could be wrong."
http://www.superteacherworksheets.com/punctuation/yes-no-comma.pdf

4) "But I know of a place where we can seek shelter."

Teacher knows a place

1) Alexander, "Well that's just great..."
"that's" = "that is"

2) Looking at the well - "I don't mind spending some time with you, but out here in the rain it's a little cold."
Should have a comma before "but."

3) I think I reached the end of the updates in the forest.

This is getting better with each pass 8)

Round 4: sijak

Clyff's house:

Wine Bottles
1) (Is Sis a drinker?)
or
(Is my sister a drinker?)

"Sis" would need to be how he refers to his sister, otherwise, he'd need to say "my sister". I've never heard anyone refer to their sister as "Sister" in modern times, but it would need to be capitalized if so.

2) "No, that is true. But I am your sister so I have to look after you.
You'll need some punctuation after "Yes"/"No" when they begin a sentence. Sorry to let that go earlier.

Outside of classroom

1) (_I have no idea where this road leads.)
There's an extra space after the open parenthesis

Inside classroom

1) Teacher, "As I was saying, tomorrow we are going on a trip,"
This sounds better to me. I don't know that it was incorrect before, but it sounded slightly off.

2) Bug: Teacher unresponsive after being talked to once.

Outside of the classroom
1) If you hit escape to cancel out of Earl's dialogue, you get the response for the second choice. If you edit this choice box, you can use the radio buttons on the right to either disallow cancelling, or make the default option the third choice. You may consider renaming the third choice as "Nothing..." instead of "Cancel" to make it seem like a more normal response.

After class and before going into the old classrooms
1) I think the sweat bubble for Clyff may be one tile too low. So it's on top of him rather than over his head.

2) Varina, "Clyff, don't be a coward..."
Probably needs a comma after Clyff

3) I don't know if the tinting for evening is new, but it's definitely a nice touch.

In the old classroom dark area
1) Looks good with the darkened screen 8)

2) I can still immediately go south and walk around the edges of the map, but it doesn't seem as bad in the darkened map (although I can skip to the end this way, skipping many events).

3)Book on table. "(_They would just blame the murder on me and then...)"
There's an extra space after the open parenthesis that shouldn't be there

Back in Clyff's house
1) After talking to Clyff's sister once, she becomes unresponsive.

2) You get a "No Luck with the weather I see" message if you stand above the sister and talk to her.

3) Food on the table, (But I should at least eat a little.)
"at least" should be two words.

3) After eating, "(Mr. John won't be happy if I'm late again.)
"won't" needs an apostrophe. The closing parenthesis is cut off.

Back at school, missing Varina
1) Teacher, "Has anyone seen Varina?"
Should be "Has" instead of "Have".

2) Earl "If she's made of sugar maybe she melted in the rain?"
Sorry I typoed in my response. it should be "She's" instead of "she'd" -
she's = she is
she'd = she would or she had
Note: This is a really weird thing that Earl says, it's mitigated by Alexander saying huh, so maybe Earl is just a strange guy.

3) Left side "(Mom is just angry anyways.)"
In writing, "anyway" is what you should use, but people use "anyways" in normal speech, so it's appropriate here. I'd stay with "anyways" here, but I thought you may want to know.
Also, this should be "Sis" instead of "Mom".

On the screen Varina scares you
1) Cliff, "The same things happened to me. And someone had smashed the window next to my bed."

2) Varina, "Great! Then after school, I'll show you where I live."
I think the comma is optional here (probably safer to have it), but the "I" needs to be capitalized for sure

3) Varina, "I saw the others passing by just a minute ago. If we hurry we might catch up to them.

4) Varina, "Clyff, take it easy. The Stream is really strong here."
I think a comma after Clyff, and breaking this into two sentences is best here. It would be a comma splice otherwise because the sentence before the comma and after the comma are both complete sentences all by themselves, and there's no conjunction like "and" or "but" (It's better as two sentences, I don't think a conjuction works well here).

5) As strong as it needs to be to kill you at least!
"at least" is two words

6) Backtacking over the bridge, "This bridge might be very strong, but still it's not a playground!"
I'd put a comma after "strong". "playground" is one word.

7) If you stand to the west of the teacher, when you try to talk to him, you'll get the sign dialog instead.

At the missing north bridge
1) Alexander, "Earl, are you sure that there is no way around this river?"
I'd put a comma after "Earl", you should put a comma after any direct address to someone, it's what all the cool kids do 8)

2) I'd swap Earl and Alexander's dialog, so that Earl asks Alexander if there's any way around the river. Alexander should know better if he and his father built the bridge (later dialog).

3) Varina, "That's none of your concern"
"that's", short for "that is", needs an apostrophe.

In the forest maze
1) One of the last sounds (upper right), "(Am I going insane?)"

I think you've added a lot more atmosphere with some of the brightness changes and additional events in the forest maze.

Bug: In both the old and new classrooms, you can immediately go left or right through the tiles I've circled in red, then you can walk on top of walls.
http://i1172.photobucket.com/albums/r578/silusrance/ClassroomWalls_zpsb39b5e03.png

At first decision point area (help Maria/help Lydia).
1) It's somthing like "No, I need you to help keep Lydia warm
"warm" is misspelled as "varm"

Looking for Maria
1) Varina to Earl, "It's too late"
"too" should be used instead of "to" here

2) Earl, "SHE'S DOOMED!"
"Doomed" was misspelled as "Domed"

3) Earl, "Fine. I'll fine her by myself"
I'd but a period after the "Fine"

4) Varina, "This is crazy. Let's get back to Mr. John and Lydia.